Second Best
by where'smynaya
Summary: To Brittany, it's clear she'll always be the second best yet she can't seem to shake the hope that maybe one day Santana will actually choose her for a change. Brittana/Samtana/Bike
1. Chapter 1 Cycles

CHAPTER 1

_I never really liked parties. Well, I guess I did at one point in time back when things were only about being with friends and dressing up. Back when I'd sit on the wooden stool in Santana's tiny bathroom and she'd run her fingers through my hair, curling and twirling the strands, while I stared through the mirror back at the deep concentration etched into her facial expressions. Back when she'd hum out random songs, her sultry voice echoing against the bathroom walls, while she tucked my bangs behind my ear smiling because she forgot the words to the song again. She always forgot the words to the songs when she looked at me like that, like she was trying to see through me or something, so I'd always have to hum along too to get her back on track. _

_Sometimes I just think she forgets the words on purpose just so she can hear my scratchy voice, she's sneaky like that._

_I used to like parties back when she'd cradle my chin with the upmost care as she took the eyeliner to my eyelids and drew on the thick lines that she swore made my blue eyes pop. The touch alone sent my body buzzing, my blood rushing, and I never could understand why. The closeness always made me nervous for some reason. Physical contact with _anyone _made me feel smothered, but when it came from her, it just made me nervous. It was a good nervous though, I think. It bothered me how I felt that way, but I never put too much thought into it. When Santana would do my make up, I'd end up squinting or tapping my feet to distract myself and she would mess up and have to start all over. It would make her so mad when I'd get antsy like that too, so mad that she'd laugh because there's no such thing at being mad at me. Well, back then anyway. _

_ I could never really decide whether I purposely acted that way just because there was a chance she'd have to _hold me down _or if it was just the anxiety of her possibly stabbing me in the eye with the pencil or accidently burning me with the curling iron. Either way, it was always hard for me to keep still._

_ I used to like parties back when San would actually hang out with me. Then again, sometimes she'd hang all over me and all our friends would look at us funny, so I'd have to push her away from me. It wasn't that I didn't like the closeness, for some reason it didn't bother me, but I just couldn't stand those looks. That's how she is with everyone though, she's flirty and affectionate, it's not anything special. I guess the looks were from me actually allowing someone to get so close because I don't let anyone that close. Rumors were already circulating that we were gay; she didn't care, obviously, but I couldn't have that because that's a lie and I don't want anyone spreading lies about me. So to put a stop to that, I pushed her away and tried keeping my distance. _

_I used to like parties back when we'd ride there together. It felt good having everyone know exactly who arrived with who, who we belonged to, because everyone wanted to belong back then, even if it was just to each other. _

_It was like a sense of accomplishment saying that I was here with Santana because _everyone _wanted to come with Santana and everyone wanted to leave with her too. Santana is the life of the party, the best dressed, the most charismatic, and one who everyone knows and wants to be friends with, but can't because she's picky about who she lets in her circle. _

_ But she let me in and kept me close and that's something like a privilege. _

_ But privileges can be revoked. _

_ Like when she got her first real boyfriend and she started leaving the parties with them instead of me. _

_ Our nearly two hours of getting each other dolled up for parties diminished to an hour and half of that was filled with the sounds of phone screen tapping and the rapid buzz of an incoming text then the giggles and, "Sorry, what were you saying?"_

_Nothing._

_ I don't say anything, ever. I don't say anything when she forgets to text me back. I don't say anything when she doesn't answer the phone. I don't say anything when she forgets we made plans, two weeks ago, for this weekend. I don't say anything when she forgets I exist. But I _did _say something when the guys she dated started getting older and older. _ _I said something when there was a four year age difference. I said something when I didn't like that she spent the entire night talking to them rather than calling me back. _

_ Because that's what I was angry about, her not calling me back. It wasn't because I was jealous. Why would I be jealous? She likes him and he likes her and me being her best friend, I'm supposed to be happy about that. Right? It's not like I feel threatened by them because I might actually have to share Santana now. That's definitely not it. _

_ We're just best friend, it's normal to feel stuff like that._

_ But in return, I got the cold shoulder for three days, one of those days being our best friendaversary. I got to walk home from school alone, in the rain. I got the dirty looks of our friends that obviously chose a side, hers. I had to walk best friendless through the halls and to and from our lockers. _

_ And as easily as we fell into those kinds of arguments, we make up. There's no talking about it though because we don't talk about those types of things: feelings, our fears, what we do to upset each other. It's supposed to be telepathic, like we just know, because talking about that stuff shows vulnerability and Santana hates that. _

_ It's okay though, I hate it too, we hate a lot of the same things. _

_ So I go back to saying nothing until the bottle inside of me is too full and I burst again; it's a cycle, our cycle. _

_ Santana just goes back to being Santana. _

_ But for every attention hogging boyfriend, there's a spiraling downfall of a break up. _

_ And where there's a break up, there are tears. And where there are tears, there's me and it's as if I'm the only one she needs. Like I'm the only one who can fill her sudden void, like I'm irreplaceable. _

_ And if there's one thing I love feeling when it comes to Santana, it's feeling like I'm irreplaceable. It's like that makes up for all the bad I've had to endure. It makes up for the lonely Friday nights, the third-wheeling, the abandonment. Just that feeling alone makes it all worth it, because in the end, I'm who she comes back to. I'm who can make her feel better, I'm the shoulder she cries on, I'm the one who puts her to bed when she's just too sad to move. _

_ Because I'm her best friend. Best friends do that for each other. It's normal. _

_ San makes a lot of things seem normal. It's normal to share beds and wear each other's clothes to sleep. It's normal to cuddle up to each other when we watch movies with our friends. It's normal to share our food, same plate even. It's normal to pass each other notes in class. It's even normal for her to sit on my lap when her boyfriend's is perfectly available. _

_ But her need for a warm body, a boy, clouds her vision sometimes and soon it's on to the next. _

_ That's another cycle; boys, break up, me, boys, break up, me. _

_ So, like I said, I used to like parties but not anymore. I always end up being dragged along anyway because Santana thinks it's good for me to _get out and socialize_, and it's to the point where whatever Santana says kinda goes. It's not in fear of causing another fight, but rather the small chance that it could actually be a fun time with my best friend. _

_But instead, it never happens that way. It's not fun socializing when you have to watch your other half cuddled up in the corner with her boyfriend, glancing at you but giggling with them, and you have to survive the party, that you had no intention of attending, on your own. _

_I always found it so confusing, her glances, because I could never decide whether she was looking to make sure I was still there or if she was making sure I was watching every move she made. _

_I'm always watching though and I sort of hate that. I can't help that my eyes can find her in a crowd of hundreds on their own. If I could help it, I wouldn't watch at all. I'd carry on alone._

_ It's not that I can't _find _someone, I can, I just don't have the energy to do it. _

_ At least that how _I _like to think of it. Unlike Santana, I don't need a boy in my life to keep me happy. I find my own ways to be happy and that's something she's always had a hard time doing. _

_ That's another reason I think she hangs on so tightly to me, because when these boys don't give her what she's looking for, I do. I always come through for her; I'm reliable. _

_ Santana loves reliable. _

_ But when the tables turn and, for once, I'm not at Santana's every beck and call, things get confusing. Unlike Santana, I know how it feels to be the only single one in the group so I try to keep from making her feel that way; especially after yet another horrible breakup. _

_ Although, sometimes I think she deserves a little taste of her own medicine._

_ So when another house party rolls around and she's still single, surprisingly, and I'm not, also surprising, I decide to test my luck. _

_ "So, he's there already?" Santana asked from the passenger seat as we drove to the 'Start of Summer' house party. Rachel Berry was infamous for throwing house parties to commemorate random things and although Santana and her don't really get along, we always make an entrance. She got a new car? House party. She sang a song to the elderly? House party. The groundhog saw his shadow? House party. The ducks that always sit at the end of her driveway finally had baby ducks? House party. _

_ I like the baby ducks party though, there was a theme! _

_ "Who?" I asked as I took a left turn and started looking for the house with all the cars. _

_ "Your boyfriend?" She chuckled as she flipped down the sun visor and started checking her makeup. _

_ "Oh..yeah, he's there already." I answered trying my hardest to seem excited even though I really wasn't. I wasn't sure why I wasn't looking forward to seeing him, he's a nice guy and all and we don't really spend that much time together; I should be happy. It was my turn to be cuddled up in the corner, giggling and throwing glances San's way, while she struggled to be her own person. It was my turn to make her feel the way she was constantly making me feel. It's not like she'll struggle as much as I do though, she's outgoing, she'll do just fine so what's the point? _

_ "Cool." She nodded and slapped the sun visor closed then poked at the window, "Looks like everyone's here." _

_ "You know, San, we don't have to go..we can just-" The words were leaving my mouth faster than I could stop from thinking them. I had just parked the car and people were already waving to us as we sat there. She looked to me with brows furrowed, "We don't have to go if you're not feeling up to it." I wanted to kick myself for already foiling my own plans of making her feel left out and alone and plain crappy. I wanted to make her feel like she's made me feel. This is my only chance, who knows when the next one will come!_

_ "Britt.." She sighed, her pout being replaced with a weak grin, "I was broken up with, not diagnosed with cancer. I'm fine, let's go have fun." She smiled brightly, her deep brown eyes shining as she nodded to the house. Getting a smile like that, I could definitely be swayed. Actually, getting anything from her, I can be swayed. _

_ "You sure?" I asked, but she was already opening up the door and swinging her tanned, toned legs out. I grinned at seeing the sudden happiness in her, much appreciated after seeing her so heartbroken for the past few days. She needed this, to be around people, how could I just ruin it all for her by rubbing something she doesn't have anymore in her face? I couldn't, that wouldn't be very best friend-like of me. _

_ "Yeah, come on," She called impatiently as she waved her hand for me to hurry to her. As I walked the few steps to her, I kept trying to remember the plan: treat her like she treated you, make her feel the abandonment she made you feel, make it hurt. But with each step closer to her, I just couldn't. "Britt, Ryder is waiting!" She teased and I instantly wanted to scowl. Her saying his name, her even mentioning him, just sounded so..wrong. I shook off the sudden disinterest in seeing my boyfriend and sidled up next to her. _

_ "Alright, let's go have fun!" I winked and followed her up the steps inside the house. As soon as we got in, Ryder sprang up out of nowhere, latching on to my hand, and tugging me away from Santana. _

_ "Hey babe, you look nice!" He complimented as he pulled me into a rough hug that I tried hard not to shudder from then handed me a drink, "I got you a drink, your favorite."_

_ I accepted the drink with a smile and thanked him. He was always remembering my favorites, one day someone is going to love that about him. He remembers the small things. _

_ My eyes made their ways back to Santana out of habit, but she was already chatting with Quinn who must've just walked in too. Almost as if they both felt me staring, they turned to me and waved like they were encouraging me to be with Ryder. Sighing because, though I was initially planning on making San feel alone, I actually _wanted _to be the one to keep her company. _

_ But, giving a quick wave back, I turned to Ryder and smiled at how he was looking at me, like he was some obedient dog waiting for his command. _

_ I wonder if that's what people see when I'm with Santana, some poor innocent soul trapped under her power. _

_ I shook the thought from my head and pulled him with me outside where a few more of our friends were trying to start up the outdoor fireplace before it got too dark. Once it finally got going, I was pulled gently towards Ryder's lap while everyone started to gather around the fire. His arms circled around my waist, steadying me on his lap while we looked out at the pit. _

_ "You want a s'more?" He asked when one of our friends walked out of the house with arms full of marshmallow bags, chocolate bars, and graham cracker boxes. I shook my head though, still consumed by the way the flames flickered and that little voice in the back of my head begging me to get off his lap and find Santana. As I looked up pass the flames, my eyes fell on the kitchen window at the exact same time Quinn must have told Santana a really funny joke. I watched the way San glowed, how she tossed her head back and laughed, and though I was outside separated by walls, I could almost hear the way she sounded. She looked so happy just then, there's no way I could carry out the plan with her looking like that. I let out a sigh, something Ryder confused for contentment as he tightened his hold around me. It wasn't that I didn't like spending time with my boyfriend, it was that I knew I was needed elsewhere and he was just tying me down and keeping me from going. _

_ And the longer he kept me there, the more he began to annoy me. All the cute little things he would try to do, the compliments, the touches, all made me want to gag. It was getting harder and harder for me to mask my sudden dislike that I had to finally separate myself from him and head to the card table where some girls were busy gossiping and dealing out hands. _

_ After just fifteen minutes of being away, attempting to gain back my sanity, I felt heavy hands land on my shoulders. _

_ "Hey, you want me to get you another drink?" Ryder asked, nudging at my half empty cup. _

_ "No, I'm fine." I answered without taking my eyes off my cards, trying to keep from shuddering away from his rough hands. _

_ "Oh, okay. Well, I'll be over here with the guys if you need me." I nodded and muttered out a 'kay' before I felt his hands fall away. I really didn't care where he went as long as it was far away from me. _

_ After a couple more lost games, I never was a great card player, I felt softer hands land on my shoulders then squeeze before slowly sliding around my neck as they hunched over, making me gulp at the sudden closeness. _

_ It was scary that I knew exactly who it was without even turning around to check. _

_ "How many rounds have you won?" Santana asked quietly as she kept her arm wrapped around my shoulders and she ducked down to look at my cards. _

_ "None.." I sighed and motioned for the girl next to me to go, "I suck at this game, I don't even know what we're playing."_

_ "Huh," San nodded then stood up fully before speaking out, "Any of you guys got something to beat a full house because you might as well fold now. Brittz don't play around." I went to jab her thigh with my elbow but before I could, I watched as all the other players set their cards down, folding. I looked up at the smug grin on her face and shook my head as I showed the table my hand that was the complete opposite of a full house. San laughed at the girls as they muttered our their curses then turned to me, "There, now you've won a game, let's go." _

_ "To where?" I asked as I was already leaving my seat to follow. _

_ "Quinn and I were going to walk down to the gas station, I think I need some air." _

_ "But you're outside.." _

_ "More air then," she shrugged, "Do you want to go or not?" I turned to look at the card table I just left then over at Ryder poking at the fire with a couple of the guys. _

_ "I'll go." I answered and started to lead the way back inside. _

_ "Aren't you going to tell him you're going somewhere?" San asked as my hand landed on the door knob. _

_ "Why? I don't need permission." I scoffed but San just laughed. _

_ "I wasn't saying you did, I was just saying. You invited him, you can't just leave him by himself like that." The nerve she had to tell me what I shouldn't do when she's the queen of it herself! I wanted to call her out, tell her she's done that to more times than I can count, but I didn't want to push her away when I wanted her near the most. _

_ "He'll live, let's go find Quinn." I shrugged and continued to lead the way inside to find Quinn. _

_ We were about halfway down the street with Quinn, laughing and having a good time, when I heard my name being called. _

_ "No way.." I grumbled and turned out just in time for Ryder to jog up and hunch over trying to catch his breath. _

_ "Where. Are. You. Going." He breathed out raggedly. _

_ "Just to the gas station, I'll be back soon." I replied and turned to walk away when he grabbed for me. I froze at the contact but he quickly let go and straightened up. _

_ "Are you mad at me or something?" He asked, eyes flickering between mine. _

_ "No, I'm not..I'm just hanging out with the girls for a little bit." I replied, feeling frustration boiling up in me but hiding it behind a tight lipped smile. "Do you have a problem with that?" _

_ "What? No, of course not." He answered quickly, "It just would've been nice to know where my girlfriend was going before she went so I wouldn't get worried or anything." _

_ "Right," I nodded, "Well, you've found me now you can go back and I'll meet you when I'm done." _

_ "Brittany, why are you being like that?" He sighed, "Have I done something wrong?"_

_ "No, Ryder, you haven't.." I answered feeling the need to roll my eyes, "Just go back to the party, I'll-"_

_ "Don't tell me what to do, I'm not some dog, I'm your boyfriend." He snapped and for the first time I saw anger behind his kind eyes. I instantly felt bad for him because I know what that feels like, being commanded. _

_ "I'm sorry, you're right." I muttered sadly, "You don't deserve that." He stared at me, a weak smile pulling at his lips, "I'm going to go with them and I'll meet you at the party, okay?" _

_ He nodded, "Do you want me to go with you guys? It's kind of dark and I don't want any jerks thinking that they can-"_

_ "Ryder, we'll be fine," I smiled, "I think Quinn's a black belt, or maybe she's wearing a black belt, and San's got enough rage to take on a whole gang." Ryder chuckled at that, casting a glance behind me to San and Quinn, "Thank you though." _

_ "Yeah, sure." He nodded again, "Just be careful, I'll meet you back." He bent down to kiss my cheek before walking towards the party. I let out a heavy sigh once he was out of hearing distance and kicked at the ground. I always hated being scolded and that's pretty much what he just did. _

_ "You guys alright?" San asked once I rejoined their group. _

_ "Yeah, we're cool." I answered shortly, "Let's get going, I have a sudden craving for Sour Patch Kids." _

_ Another ten minutes, we were approaching the convenience store. The bright lights made our eyes sting a little as we entered and went straight for the candy aisle while Quinn went to the soda fountain. I watched as San's eyes seemed to darken as she stared at all the candy bars, that same vacant look like when she's thinking about something really hard but not wanting everyone to see that. _

_ "What are you gunna get?" I asked trying to get her to think of something else. She blinked rapidly before looking to me. _

_ "Uhm, nothing. I didn't bring any money, I was just in it for the walk." She shrugged then nodded to my Sour Patch Kids, "I see you got what you came for." I smiled down at my hand and wiggled the package. _

_ "We can share if you want, you know I can never finish the whole bag," I offered to which she smiled back and mumbled 'cool' before looking back at the shelves. I watched how she seemed to wall herself up again but I wasn't exactly sure what was making her do that. She seemed fine on the walk here, she seemed fine at the party, she seemed fine in general. _

_ I guess that was the hint; Santana's never fine._

_ "You want to talk about it?" I asked hesitantly but San just shook her head. _

_ "You guys ready?" Quinn asked as she walked down the aisle with a 24oz soda cup in her hand. _

_ "Yeah, I'm good." San answered then looked to me, "You?"_

_ "Mhm, good." I smiled and waited for her to turn before grabbing another candy bar. Quinn paid for her drink then San followed behind her as the cashier rang me up next. _

_ "This is why I hate Rachel's parties, she always runs out of diet drinks." I heard Quinn grumble before taking a sip of her drink while San stood beside her, smiling and shaking her head at the floor. I pulled out my bag of Sour Patch Kids and held it between my teeth as I felt around in the plastic bag for my other candy. Finally feeling the square bar, I tugged it out the bag and handed it to San. _

_ "Err uo," I mumbled between clenched teeth. San beamed at the Kit Kat bar and accepted it happily. _

_ "Thanks B, I love Kit Kats!" I bit the corner piece of the Sour Patch Kids bag off and nodded. _

_ "I know, that's why I got it." I smirked and bumped her with my hip as the three of us made the walk back. _

_ After twenty minutes of being goofy with the girls, I was back with Ryder trying my hardest to get things back to normal. I didn't get why I was so against being with him, he wasn't doing anything wrong. It made me feel so horrible that I was fine with treating him like crap just because I could and I wanted to change that._

_ It felt just like before I left though: forced, annoying, and smothering. Again, I found myself sneaking off to go talk with different people instead of standing one more minute with him. I don't know what he was doing, _if _he was even doing anything, but the longer I stayed near the more frustrated I felt. I knew I should probably separate myself from him before my mouth got the better of me and I start saying things I don't mean. _

_ It wasn't until I was standing in the front of Rachel's house waving goodbye to one of the girls I had been talking to when Ryder found me again. I braced myself for another lecture, but instead he brushed pass me coldly. _

_ "Hey!" I called after him, "Where are you going?" _

_ "Home." He answered shortly, anger bubbling behind his voice. _

_ "You rode here with Matt though," I replied as I watched him fidget. _

_ "I'm walking." _

_ "What?" I gasped wide eyed, "You live far away, that's ridiculous." _

_ "Like you care what I do," He snapped, shaking his head, "You've pretty much ignored me the whole party." _

_ "What are you talking about? I was with you for a whole hour and a half." I argued, "Just because I don't always drape myself over you or hang on your hand the whole night doesn't mean I'm _ignoring _you." _

_ "Well, you could've fooled me." He bit back angrily, shrugging his broad shoulders as he crossed his arms. "I'm leaving, bye."_

_ "Ryder, wait." I reached for his arm, "Don't walk, just-can you just wait for Matt." He looked to me, his jaw set but his eyes still softened, "Please, don't walk home." _

_ He was just about to answer when I heard my name being called from the porch. We both looked in the direction and saw Quinn jogging down the brick steps towards us. _

_ "Hey Britt, Santana's looking for you." She said, eyes flickering between me and Ryder, clearly sensing the tension between us. "She's-uhm-she's crying.." _

_ "What?" I asked worriedly, "Why? What happened?" I was already rushing through a million scenarios when Ryder cleared his throat. _

_ "We were kind of in the middle of talking, Quinn." He cut in politely earning a quirked brow from Quinn. I looked back at him and glared for some reason. "What? We were." _

_ "Give me a sec, Q, I'll be there." I told the shorter blonde before turning back to Ryder. "I'm going to go see what's going on, okay? Please just wait for Matt." _

_ "Britt, Santana can wait. She makes you wait and she treats you like shit all the time, she can handle being alone for just five more minutes." He replied and took a step towards me, "She's probably just trying to get attention again because for once it's not all on her." I stared at him, shocked that he would even say those things to me. I felt my skin getting hotter as he went on about staying with him and talking about our problems rather than going to check on Santana. _

_ "Look Ryder, Santana is my best friend. She comes first and I'm sorry if you can't accept that, but that's how it is. She's my top priority and if she's in there crying, I'm going to drop what I'm doing and I'm going to see what's wrong." I answered sternly, choosing not to argue about his opinions on me and San's friendship. "We can continue talking later, but right now Santana needs me." With that, I left him standing in the darkness of the driveway not even giving him a chance to argue back and rushed inside. I followed the grouping of girls crowding the entrance to the living room, assuming that's where Santana and Quinn were. Pushing my way past, I caught a glimpse of San with her face buried in her hands as she hunched over the arm of the couch and Quinn sitting next to her. Once I knew where they were, I turned to the crowd and started shoeing them away. No one likes to get caught crying at a party, especially Santana. She hates when people talk, when people are judging her. _

_ Slowly, I walked over to Santana and dropped to my knees. I looked to Quinn who left a small gap between her and Santana then back to the nest of dark brown hair hiding away my best friend's face. "Hey..what's going on?" I whispered but I knew better than to think she'd actually tell me. _

_ I watched as her body shuddered as she muffled a sob. I knew what she needed but I just couldn't give it to her, not with people around, well Quinn around, because just like Santana I have a reputation to uphold too. I wanted so bad to reach out and touch her: brush her hair from her face, squeeze her knee, pat her back, something! But that would be out of character for me because I don't do those kinds of things; I'm not a physical person. I don't even give hugs when my friends leave, how could I break all that because of Santana? _

_ She whimpered again and suddenly my reputation didn't matter, or at least, it didn't matter because it was only Quinn in the room. _

_ I wiggled into the space Quinn made and, hesitantly, draped my arm around San's shoulders. It was a jerky movement, but luckily the power behind San's cries masked it. Taking my free hand and cradling her head, I pulled her to my chest and rested my chin atop her head and let her lean her weight on me. _

_ "It's okay, San, you're okay." I whispered and started to rock her a little like I've seen people do in movies. "You're fine." I stayed like that, fighting the nagging feeling in the back of my head because of Quinn still being there and girls aren't supposed to hold other girls like this but San's my best friend and that's what makes it okay I think. When she finally quieted down, she picked her head up and looked to me. _

_ "Can we go home now?" She asked with her eyes bright red and her voice thick and raspy._

_ "Sure, yeah, we can go." I nodded and started to stand. _

_ "I'll walk you guys out," Quinn added and handed San some tissues which she accepted gratefully. I was careful where I placed my hands while Quinn walked with us, paranoid that their placements could be misinterpreted. I knew Quinn wouldn't care either way, but everyone else around, they'd care. They'd see it and they'd think differently of it. _

_ I dug my hands in my pockets instead, at least in there, they're safe from wandering. _

_ It wasn't until we were half way home when San finally started talking._

_ "You know what the biggest lie ever is?" She asked quietly. _

_ "That doesn't make you look fat?" I questioned, hoping that my joking around would lighten the mood. She smirked and shook her head. _

_ "If you're happy, I'm happy. That's complete bullshit." She grumbled. Before I could ask why she said that, she was already swiping away her tears, "I hate when people say that because you know damn well you're not happy, it's just the nice way of saying it." We pulled up to a red light and I glanced over at her trying so hard not to cry._

_ "San-" _

_ "It was Rachel." She muttered as she stared out the window. I wouldn't have heard her if the radio wasn't turned down so low. _

_ "What'd she do?" I asked, chancing another glance over to her. _

_ "Stuck her big ass nose in my business like she always does," San scoffed, anger dripping from her words. I can tell whatever Rachel said really hurt her; she gets mean when she feels that way. _

_ "How so?" _

_ "I don't know, she's just-just a bitch like that. She started talking about me and Dave and how she was surprised that I didn't bring anyone with me tonight because I _move on quickly_ or whatever bullshit she was spewing," San grumbled and looked to me for a split second, "Why do people suck so much?" _

_ "Dunno, they just do I guess." I shrugged, "There's good people in the world though, they're not all sucky." I continued to keep my eyes on the road, making sure I didn't miss the turn into her neighborhood, but I could still feel her gaze on me. It made me feel nervous though, being stared at like that. "Why you didn't come find me? We could've left early.." _

_ "I-I didn't want to interrupt you and Ryder," She mumbled, "You guys don't spend much time together since he lives so far, I just thought you'd want to spend time with him." _

_ "San.." I sighed, "You know you come first, always. Besides, he was annoying me anyway." _

_ "He's a good guy, Britt," She laughed. _

_ "I know," I responded quietly. He should run while he still can, run far away from me. _

_ "You're a good person, Britt." She replied simply. I didn't believe her though, not after tonight, not after all the hurt I caused Ryder, not after I treated him just like Santana has treated me in the past. I knew exactly what I was doing and I couldn't even control myself!_

_ So I shook my head before glancing over at her, "Only to you." _

_ "Aren't I lucky then," She joked and turned the dial up on the radio, "Shush now, this is my song!" I laughed at how she tried to sing along with the radio, but yet again she was forgetting the words. _

_ "You are a hot mess," I chuckled as she started to make up her own words. She just shrugged and continued to sing. _

_ After three days of ignoring phone calls and not responding to his texts, I broke it off with Ryder. _

_ After two weeks of Santana and I getting back to being close again, she found yet another warm body to cling to and I was long forgotten. _

_ Then the cycle repeats. _

_Two years later, October;_

"A crush?!" San gasped then shuffled to her knees making the bed bounce, "Since when?"

I just shrugged, feeling my cheeks flush at my best friend's sudden interest in my love life.

"Damnit, Britt, I wantz the details and I want them now." She clapped, "You never have a crush, you never like anyone!"

"That is not true." I objected and pointed to her, "There was that one guy in my Bio class and the other one from my work.." San just shook her head, waving them off.

"Fine, point made. Can you tell me who it is now?"

"Uhm..well.." I drawled out feeling the anxiousness growing within me, "There's kind of three.."

"Holy hell, really?" San gasped, "And you've kept this from me? What kind of best friend are you!" She teased and slapped at my arm.

"Hey, watch it or else I won't give you any hints." I threatened playfully.

"Hints?" She scoffed, "Puh-lease, I got this." She stared at me, head tilted to the left, analyzing.

I stared back, batting my lashes and grinning dopily, but when she caught me directly in the eyes, I crossed mine. She laughed and I was spared the eye contact. I don't do eye contact.

"Ryder is one, of course." She stated but before I could try and protest, she explained, "He's the _one that got away_, you'll always have a sweet spot for him. Don't try and lie about it."

"I guess," I rolled my eyes playfully, "Two to go."

"I'm going with Blake from prom, he was pretty cute _and_ he walked us to your car afterwards." San shrugged then tapped at her chin for the third person. "I have no idea for the last one.."

"You'll never guess it." I smiled triumphantly. She huffed and went on naming practically every guy I ever talked to that she knew of in our four years of being friends, even adding a few of my coworkers which I didn't think she'd remember their names to her long list.

"Okay, I have no fucking clue." San sighed and lay back against the pillows with her hand covering her eyes. I felt my nerves rattling in me again at the thought of my next hint. My hands joined together anxiously picking at the bedspread as I averted my eyes from her. I was working my way up to tell her and though I know I can tell San anything, this is one of those things that really make me second guess myself. It's like once it's said, it can't be taken back. What's done is done and I can only hope for the best.

Taking a deep breath in attempt to steady my nerves I licked my lips and replied, "The last one is a girl." I waited for the gasp and wide eyed reaction, but instead San just nodded and went back to thinking as if I only narrowed the list by saying the person's name began with a certain letter.

"Hmm..it's not Quinn is it?" She asked, her nose scrunching at the possibility.

"No, not Quinnn." I answered, shaking my head and fighting the grin though I was still feeling really nervous. I'm telling her that I have a crush on a girl, girls don't have crushes on other girls, and I'm not talking about a friendly kind of crush, this is like a real deal crush. I closed my eyes and tried calming down my racing heart as she continued to hum for a name.

"Me?" She asked confidently. My heart stopped, the sweat collecting at the back of my neck and along my forehead turned cold, and my eyes widened. If I was drinking water, I would've spit it out. If I was eating, I probably would've choked. I couldn't understand why I froze up so bad like that when she wasn't even right.

"N-No, it's not you." I finally replied once I got back the use of my voice that I had lost for some reason.

"I know, I was just joking," She laughed and swatted at my arm again before returning to guessing. I tried to laugh along with her too but it ended up sounding really forced and I could already feel my cheeks flushing. I guess I was just shocked that she'd even consider herself an option; she's my best friend, she's kind of off limits because of that. Not that I'd ever think of her in that way or anything, she's just- we're friends.

"I know that," I shrugged her off coolly, thankful that I had finally gained some type of control and thankful that she hadn't noticed my mini panic attack.

"It's gotta be that girl from class, right?" She asked seeming extremely confident in her answer yet again, "The one with the cute face?" I felt my cheeks burn at the accusation but nodded anyway.

"Yeah, she's just. I don't know, I've never talked to her in my life but I'm just so damn attracted." I replied with a shrug, "She just looks so cool, you know? And I thought I probably just really really wanted to be her friend or something, but when I started taking the long way to class because she usually came in late or brought extra pens because she might need one I thought that maybe it wasn't just because I wanted to be friends. Maybe I wanted more?" San sat quietly, nodding along with whatever I said. "Lately, I've just been feeling different and it's scary San..b-but I can't help it."

"Yeah, that shit is kinda scary.." She replied softly. I nodded, smiling weakly because I know Santana isn't good with talking about things that scare us, but at least she was trying.

"Those guys on my list," I whimpered feeling slightly ashamed, "They don't really count, I was just adding them to lighten it up."

"I know, Britt." She smiled genuinely, "You don't have to explain anymore if you don't want to, I can connect the rest of the dots."

I shook my head though; I needed to explain this thing to at least one person. I've kept everything all bottled up for so long now and it actually felt good to talk about it. I know it breaks all our rules, but I'm sure she can let this slide.

"I've been thinking about it for awhile now, why I couldn't hold onto a guy for longer than a couple weeks, why I always lost interest, why it all felt so..forced. It all makes so much sense now," I rambled then stopped to try and calm my nerves again, "I didn't want to prove anyone right though."

"What do you mean?" San asked softly. We continued not to make eye contact.

"You know _everyone _called this, me being.." I couldn't even say the word without shivering, "I could never understand why, I mean, _you're _the one that goes around grabbing everyone's ass and being all touchy. I can't even hug someone goodbye without feeling paranoid," San just nodded knowingly and shrugged, "They didn't even say anything about you, they just assumed that I was. I don't understand that, I never gave them any reason to think differently of me.."

"Britt, no one assumed anything." San sighed.

Sucking in a deep breath, I just shrugged, "I didn't want to be this, I didn't want to be wrong."

"Wrong? You're not wrong." San replied, tilting her head to the side.

"Girls aren't supposed to like girls, San," I said sternly.

She just stayed quiet, fingers tapping on her knee.

"It's not wrong, Britt, you have to believe that. If that's what you are, you can't change it." San replied sternly. I nodded, trying to keep the tears from sliding down my cheeks. She was right but it's so much easier just to nod to her when it's still hard for me to believe her a hundred percent. Deep down, I knew I wasn't wrong, that this feeling, who I am, it's not wrong. It's convincing everyone else that's the problem and it's scary to think about all the people that need convincing. "Come on, let's go eat. I'm hungry."

In ten minutes, we were downstairs in her kitchen; I, standing at the stove stirring a pot of noodles, and her, sitting on the counter filing her nails. It was almost as if our conversation never happened; she treated me the same, laughed at my jokes, and praised my awesome noodle cooking skills. Seeing how she reacted to me telling my deepest secret almost made it seem like it wasn't so bad to tell, like it wasn't really a big deal. That eased me because the last thing I wanted was for my best friend in the entire world to think of me differently.

Everything about me is the exact same: my sense of humor, my likes, my dislikes, my taste in music, everything! There's no need for her to think differently because who I am, my sexuality, that doesn't define me, it's not all that there is to me, and that's what I hope everyone can understand.

For now though, I'm fine with just her knowing the truth.

"Are you listening?" San laughed, nudging my hip with her foot. I stared up at her blankly and gave a sympathetic smile.

"Whoops.." I shrugged innocently.

"I was saying that I got Sam's number, well, he got mine." She replied. I instantly wanted to groan. Her and her last boyfriend _just _broke up, officially, not even two weeks ago! They were together for almost a year and she was already on the prowl? "I know what you're thinking, Britt, but he's a nice guy. We're just friends."

I kept my mouth shut, eyes focused intently on the pot of steaming noodles instead.

"He's going shopping with me tomorrow, it'll be our first time hanging out alone." She shrugged. I tilted my head slightly and found her staring at her feet.

"He was your ex's friend, don't you think that's a little weird?" I asked hesitantly. I tried making it sound like a joke because as soon as she picks up on the scolding tone in my voice she walls herself up quickly.

She stared back and shrugged, "I'm not dating him, Britt, we're just friends. I can have friends that are guys."

"I know you can, it's just.." I sighed already sensing her getting defense, "He likes you already, you know that. How are you doing to be friends with someone you already know likes-"

"I don't need a lecture from you," I watched as her jaw clenched tight and she hopped off the kitchen counter and took a seat at the table behind us instead. I exhaled through my nostrils and closed my eyes tightly; I can never keep my mouth shut.

"I'm not trying to lecture you..it's just, I wish you could just spend a little time focusing on yourself. You just got out of a relationship, San, I think you still need time to be your own person."

"Just be happy for me, B."

I killed the heat on the stove and moved the pot off the burner before turning around. She was staring at her phone, chin resting in her hand as she kept her eyes down. I remembered her sleepless nights caused by the arguing her and her ex had done, the let downs, the break-ups, the make-ups, the threats, the apologies, the sounds of her sobbing, then the sounds of her laughing, the smiles she made for him and the frowns he caused. I remember how broken she looked the day he broke it off with her permanently; how quiet she was and the despair she felt. How she begged for me to stay the night and how I caught her sobbing in the bathroom.

"Does he make you happy?" I asked softly, setting our bowls down on the table and taking a seat next to her.

"I think so," She replied, taking the bowl and pulling it towards her.

I nodded, lips pursing until they formed a tight lipped smile.

"Well, if you're happy then..then I'm happy too."

* * *

A/N Let me know if you're interested so I can keep going. Thanks for coming back!


	2. Chapter 2 Big Mouth

CHAPTER 2

_One Month Later;_

I actually realized that _pretending _to be happy for someone and _genuinely _being happy for them are two totally different things. Well, I knew that they were different to begin with but I never really felt the need to do it before. Lately, it's all I do.

And another thing I suck at doing; pretending to be happy.

If I was happy for her, I wouldn't get so pissed when she keeps blowing me off to be with Sam.

If I was happy for her, I wouldn't put on that blank, expressionless face when she talks about how well he treats her or when she talks about him in general.

If I was happy for her, I wouldn't feel the need to gag when I see pictures of them together on Twitter or Instagram.

And if I was really happy for her, I wouldn't mind losing my best friend to a guy that's giving her everything she's ever wanted.

It's like kind of like agreeing to disagree; I'll still stick to what I know and so will Santana, but instead we'll just smile in each other's faces because neither of us have the energy to argue. It's the same outcome every time: I speak my mind, Santana gets frustrated, and I pay the price. It happens every time I open my mouth and she has to hear something she doesn't like, and though there could be other ways of dealing with the problem, she rather wall herself up until_ she_ cools off.

Until _she _decides she wants to talk about it.

"Come on, baby, come on.." I pleaded, one hand on the key in the ignition and the other griping the steering wheel as if the tighter I hold it the more the car will feel how much I need it to start right now. The sound of the engine coughing up a whole lot of nothing made me die a little inside, but I kept trying though. I cranked the key once again, even pressing on the gas a little, and still nothing.

For about a month and a half now I've had this love hate relationship with my car; it's basically falling apart. It's gotten so bad that, just to be on the safe side, I could only drive within a ten mile radius of my house because the car was forever dying like this. It's a good thing that I live pretty much in the middle of everything though; however, now that it's gotten a little colder out, the possibility of my car dying and I having to walk is not something I want.

"I don't need this right now, please.." I begged and tried once more. I sat at the edge of my seat, tapping on the gas as I turned the key, and soon the car roared to life. "Oh thank you, thank you!" I cheered and sat myself back and strapped on my seat belt. Judging by the time on the dashboard clock, I might actually be on time to class today! With my car acting up more than usual, that's become a growing problem.

Just as I put the car in reverse and was slowly backing out of my driveway, it died yet again.

"Damnit! Are you kidding me?" I groaned and smacked the steering wheel. I tried to start it but I knew that battery had died again. I'm no mechanic, but I can totally tell when the car's dead and mine is definitely dead. It's the same thing every time; it's either billowing smoke from under the hood or something drained the battery or it's leaking, there's really an ongoing list of problems.

I checked the time again and contemplated whether I should make the call or not. Santana _did_ live just five minutes away and she _does _have a car now thanks to her doctor of a dad.

And she _is_ the only person I feel comfortable enough to call for help.

But no, I couldn't. I already feel like I'm a nuisance when I try to talk to her and she's busy. She could be busy right now..with Sam.

Doing who knows what. Gross.

I could find someone else to help me.

I pulled out my phone and scrolled and scrolled and scrolled and scrolled.

I should probably make more friends.

Before I could stop myself, I was going to the S's and making the call.

I always got this weird anxious feeling whenever I called Santana, even texts from her made me feel like I had drank six gallons of coffee and needed to run laps. She didn't even have to say anything special, because just asking what channel a certain show comes on _still _had me feeling jittery and I never understood why.

Then again, I don't understand a lot of things when it comes to Santana.

"_Hey, this is Santana. Leave a Message and I'll call back..or won't." _Beep.

I ended the call and let out a deep sigh. Of course she wouldn't pick up, she never picks up on the first call..or the second for that matter. I set my phone aside and rested my forehead on the steering wheel as I tried not to cry from feeling so helpless.

"What am I going to do?" I mumbled aloud and checked the time again, "Yeah, I'm definitely going to be late." I was just about to try the car again when my phone started ringing out. I glanced down and saw Santana's name flash atop the screen and with wide eyes, I scrambled to answer it.

"_Hey, you called?_"

"Yeah, are you busy right now?" I asked hesitantly.

"_Mm, I'm about to go meet up with Sam. Maybe we can hang out nex-"_

"I wasn't calling to hang out." I replied hating that's what she automatically assumed of me, but not wanting to ruin my chance to get her to help me because of my big mouth, I gained some composure.

"_Oh..well..what's up?"_

"My-uhm-my car died..could you come give me a jump?"

"_Uh, yeah..sure. I don't know how to do that though.." _

"That's okay, I do." I replied happily and told her where I was. Within minutes, I caught the glimpse of her little green car whipping around the corner and making the U-turn to park in front of my house. I dug my hands in my sweater pockets as I watched her exit her car, flipping dark locks over her shoulder before zipping up her dark brown leather jacket and fitting her hands in her pockets too.

I think my favorite thing about Fall is that Santana breaks out her leather jackets again. I think I loved her in them more than she did.

Not that I think she's really attractive in them or anything! I mean, I'm still getting used to this whole gay thing and I don't know what's allowed anymore. She's my best friend and I can totally admire another girl who can pull off a look perfectly, doesn't mean I like her or anything. Or does it? Hell, I don't know. Does this count as checking her out? I mean, Santana is beautiful and all but that doesn't mean-

"Hey!" She waved to me, breaking me out of my internal panic attack, then looked to my car, "So, what do I have to do.." I grinned at the confused look plastered on her face as she tilted her head at my car. For some reason all that pent up aggression I had earlier was now gone as I watched her and suddenly I just felt happy that she was actually standing here in front of me.

"Well, I need you to park up here in the grass because I don't think the chords can reach all the way over there." I suggested watching her head snap up at the mention of making her car do a little off roading. "Do you want me to do it?" I laughed and she gladly tossed me her keys. I did a quick whip around and slowly inched her car next to mine before hopping out. "Can you go in my trunk and get the cables?" I asked as I walked around and started to lift the hood of each car. Opening mine up was easy since I'm _constantly _having to open it up but when I moved to hers, it was a different story. I wiggled my fingers underneath the tiny space where the latch usually was, but I still couldn't find it. I furrowed my brows and ducked down a little more as I slid my fingers along the edge of the hood until I finally found the clasp.

With a triumphant smile, I flicked the latch and raised the hood above my head. I kept my arms raised though, making sure that the hood stayed opened. Her car was slightly older than mine and I was not trying to have the hood fall on my head, that would be embarrassing. I felt the crisp air hit my skin from the hem of my sweater hiking up a little and instantly cursed myself for not tucking in my undershirt.

Just as I dropped my arms and spin around to check on my car, I nearly collided with Santana who was standing just behind me. My eyes instantly found her darkening pools of brown, which flicked up just as I turned around, but the sudden eye contact was too much for me. I tried darting my eyes to the ground just as she poked her tongue out and licked her lips, but itt was like my eyes were glued to her mouth and now matter how hard I tried to look away, I couldn't. I found myself swallowing hard at the slow movement, watching how the tip of her tongue ran teasingly along her full bottom lip like it was all in slow motion, my palms heating up as I suddenly felt that buzzing feeling again.

Then I thought that maybe I left my hand on her car battery and I was actually being electrocuted, because it sure felt that way.

"Found them." She said, my eyes finally tearing away from her lips before looking to her lifting up the cables.

"Cool." I nodded and hurriedly brushed past her to get the chords connected properly. I needed to get away from her quickly, because that was just weird. It totally just stared at her lips but I'm sure she didn't even realize it because she seemed just as zoned out as I was! It was like I was paralyzed and being so close like that made me nervous and I did not want to be nervous when handling car batteries and electricity.

I ducked under the hood and started hooking up the clamps, red with red and black with black, when I felt the heat radiating off Santana's body so close to me again.

"What are you doing?" She asked curiously as she moved to stand next to me, the side of her arm brushing past mine as she stared down at my hands.

"Uhh, I'm putting on these vampire teeth looking things to each battery then I'm going to press on your gas pedal so I can get the juices flowing." I shrugged, trying to keep my eyes off of how the sunlight hits her hair making it look this goldeny brown color instead of plain black. Then I realized how what I just said sounded and began feeling the heat rush to my cheeks. _Juices flowing? Really? _ I could tell she didn't catch on though as she kept looking down, thank God. "Then I'll go and try to start my car again. It should work." I straightened up as she turned to me and smiled before following me over to the next car and doing the same thing.

"Okay, everything's all connected. I'm gonna rev the engine a little now." San nodded and folded her arms over her chest as she backed away from the open hoods and watched. I started her car with ease and pressed the gas pedal lightly a few times before just sitting there to give it a little time to run. I listened as the car rumbled, hoping that it would drown out all noise in my head Santana was inadvertently causing. I couldn't understand what was going on with me! Santana has no concept of personal space, she never has, so why the hell was it making me so jittery now? She's always been like that!

Shaking my head and trying to be normal, I got out of her car and walked around to mine, with San following, then got in. She kept her arms folded as she leaned against the opened door, watching me yet again. With the key in the ignition, I cranked until the car roared to life.

"Hell yes!" I cheered triumphantly and tightened my grip on the steering wheel as I leaned in to kiss it, "Thank you!"

"Ooh, I'm jealous." San smirked as I pressed my lips to my steering wheel a couple more times, completely overjoyed that it actually worked. At her voice, my eyes widened slightly as I pulled away stiffly before turning to her.

"Huh?" I stammered but she just smirked again and shrugged her shoulder before disappearing to the front of the cars. I sat there a moment and tried thinking of what exactly made her jealous, if she really was jealous, if she was joking about being jealous, before realizing I was blowing it way out of proportion. Shaking my head yet again, I pushed myself up out of the car and followed her around to the hoods before she could think that her comment had made me feel some type of way.

"Now what?"

Looking to my left and watching her glance back and forth between the cars, I shrugged. "We can disconnect the cables now." She moved excitedly to her car's battery, but I quickly pinched her jacket and tugged her back a little. "_I'll _disconnect them," I giggled, "I'm not trying to have you electrocute yourself. I don't know CPR."

"Well that's a shame," She smirked, throwing her hands up in defeat and backing away. I gave her a smile and turned away just as my brows furrowed.

What's a shame? That I didn't let her detach everything or that I didn't know CPR..

_Overthinking it yet again, Britt.._

I tugged off the clips, making sure they didn't touch, as I lifted my arms and reached for the hood.

"Are you hitting another growth spurt or are your clothes shrinking?" She admonished as I felt her warm fingertips brush the sliver of skin peeking out between the hem of my jeans and my sweater. I felt her fingers curl into my top as she pulled it down over my jeans making my arms instantly fall with the hood. "Your pervy neighbor might be out, Britt, be careful." She whispered playfully in my ear, her cool breath hitting my neck and sending a shiver, as she kept her hand resting flat against the small of my back, keeping my shirt down.

"I think our new dryer is shrinking my clothes.." I answered flatly hoping that my voice came out stutter-free as I slid away from San's hand and made my way over to my car's battery. She just chuckled and followed me, this time putting a little distance between our bodies which I was grateful for. I detached the clamps and rolled up the chords neatly before slamming my hood shut and throwing the cables in the trunk.

"You're good now?" She asked as I walked back around to her.

"Mhm," I nodded then looked to her car still parked in the grass, "You want me to move your car back to the street?"

"That'd be nice," She smiled brightly with her dimples showing. I laughed for some reason and hopped into the driver's seat as I began to back her car out. In minutes, we were meeting at the driver's side of her car.

"Thanks for helping," I ducked my head bashfully. I've always hated asking for help, no matter what it was I needed help with, but being friends with Santana for so long, I'm not _that _afraid to ask her anymore.

"Sure," She nodded, "I really wish you'd get a new care though, I don't like how you always have to do this." She waved her hand to my car tiredly, but I just shrugged.

"I need money to do that and I don't have it right now." I sighed, "I mean, if there was a way I could like make payments on it every month or whenever I had it, that'd be awesome but everyone wants a down payment or whatever and I don't even have enough for that."

"Yeah, true.." She hummed then checked her phone, "Well, it's safe to say you have officially missed your class..did you want to have lunch with Sam and I?"

I tried hard not to show my complete disgust for the guy as she mentioned his name and shook my head, "Uhh..no."

She took a step forward so she was out of the street as a car passed, the new closeness causing me to press back against her car further, trapping me between. "Why not? You never want to hang out with us."

"Well duh, why would I _choose _to be a third wheel?" I tried to joke but it ended up sounding like a scoff. Her jaw clenched tight at that and I automatically wanted to face palm, "I mean, I've already got plans.."

"Oh, with who?"

"A friend?"

"Yeah," She laughed like it was obvious, "Who?"

"Uhm.." I hummed trying to pick a name out of the very slim selection of friends, "Mike.."

"Ohhh," She nodded, "I didn't know you guys hung out without me there." I couldn't tell whether that was a stab at my nonexistent social life or just mere observation, but I shrugged anyway.

"Yeah, we go out to eat every once in awhile. You know how he likes to vent about Tina.."

"Huh," Her brows lifting like she didn't believe me, like it wasn't possible for me to do things without her. I totally can! We're not attached to the hip anymore, we can't be since Sam's there now. "Does he know?" She asked quietly, her expressions seeming a little colder now.

"Know what?" I asked, shifting my weight.

"That you're a lesbian."

There wasn't any special way she said _that _word, no sneer or scoff added, but I still stiffened up anyway. It was one thing being called gay, but it was another thing being called a lesbian and the word just seemed way too big for me. She was only stating a fact, but for some reason being called gay and being labeled a lesbian took on two totally different meanings, like one was somehow easier to swallow, like it was slightly less scary than the other. People toss around gay like it's a joke, like that's not someone's life and the source of initial pain and confusion, and that made _me _feel normal.

But I don't know what's worse, being laughed at because your sexuality isn't taken seriously or being looked at like you're an abomination and anything you touch is corrupted now.

_I want to be liked. _

Suddenly I felt constricted again, paranoid, like someone could've heard even though her voice was only a whisper. My eyes darted down the street, checking, even though I knew no one was around. My hands felt numb and I couldn't decide whether it was the cold or if it was hearing that..term that had me frozen. I didn't like it at all. I didn't like how I reacted. I didn't like how she looked at me. I didn't like the feeling it gave me. I didn't like any of it.

"Don't..Don't call me that..I don't like that word," I stammered. I wanted to scold her but it came out like a broken plea. She tilted her head to me, lips parted, but didn't say anything else; just stared, watching me implode. Not wanting to drag out the sudden tension filled air, I inhaled deeply as the cool breeze tousled my hair, the air shocking me out of my thoughts, and licked my lips. "He doesn't."

"Oh, well..I'm sure he'd be cool with it." She shrugged casually, looking as if she wasn't affected by my silent meltdown before. I smiled weakly at her attempt to recover from making me freeze up like I did; we've never been good at comforting each other so I didn't expect much. She checked her phone again, probably for the time or maybe a text from Sam, "I gotta get going now."

"Okay."

"We never hangout anymore," She pouted as she turned away to open her door.

"Our schedules don't really matchup.." I sighed, crossing my arms over myself to shield my body from the wind.

"Yeah, you're always studying." She scoffed like it was my fault. "Or working..You have no time for me anymore."

"Uh..no. Maybe if you weren't spending all your time with _Sam_ the rebound then you'd notice I'm always trying to spend time with you!" I snapped, defensive because I'm _constantly _trying to work something out with her. _She's _the busy one, not me. And for her to even think that it was my fault was just baffling to me!

That set her off.

Her eyes bore into me, brows furrowing, as he jaw clamped tight again. She stared like she wanted to say something else, but instead she huffed and jumped into her car. I took a step back while she just griped her steering wheel tight.

Her window was still down from earlier, so she turned to me, eyes softening as she stared up. I looked down at her, trying to look anywhere but in her eyes, but the only other place was her lips and I just couldn't risk whatever that was that happened earlier happen again.

"See you later."

And with that she drove off, leaving me standing in the middle of the street watching her leave.

"I'm a fucking idiot." I groaned and ran my hand roughly through my hair before walking towards my car. One thing Santana _hated _was when someone referred to her relationships as rebounds. That's basically what they are though. She craves attention, someone to make her feel wanted and loved and cared for, and she can't last more than a couple weeks without it! That's why she moves on so quickly. I know. She knows. _Everyone _knows. But me being the faithful best friend, I'm supposed to sugar coat it all for her so she can live with what she's doing.

No one dares bring it up because there's nothing more dreadful than a pissed off Santana.

And I just brought it up knowing just how hurt she gets over it.

"Way to go, Brittany." I grumbled as I slumped down in the driver's seat and rested my head against the steering wheel. Once again my big mouth got the better of me.

_A few days later;_

"You know, the guy isn't even that good looking." I mumbled as I pushed around my triangles of French toast around on my plate. Mike sat across from me; shoveling scrambled eggs in his mouth like this was his last meal. It had become sort of tradition for us to venture out for breakfast and together we'd vent about our problems and lately I've had _lots _of problems.

It was nice to have someone to talk to other than my best friend because when the root of my problems _were _my best friend it got a little awkward.

Mike was cool though because unlike most guys, he was actually pretty sensitive and totally in tune with his girl talk side.

Sometimes _too _in tune though..

"Britt, you know he's a little cute." Mike muttered between bites, "Santana wouldn't go for someone if they weren't a little cute." Rolling my eyes, I just shrugged. "Are you jealous or something?"

Nearly choking on my sip of water, I looked up at him and glared, "Hell no, I'm not _jealous._ What?" Mike just smirked and shook his head before going back to stabbing his fork into fluffy egg whites.

"Calm down, I was just kidding. But he's a good looking guy, Britt, I'd be jealous if I was a girl and my best friend snatched him up first!"

"The more you talk about his looks the more I think it's _you _who actually wants him." I grumbled and poked at my hash browns.

"Sorry, I'll stop." He nodded when he noticed I wasn't laughing along with him. "But I get what you mean, it is pretty messed up about Santana. I mean, you guys are best friends. That doesn't change when she starts talking to a guy."

"That's what I'm saying! But she doesn't get that, I guess." I sighed, unlocking my phone to see if she had replied to my text asking what she was doing this weekend.

She hadn't. Of course, being ignored sucked but I totally understand why she was doing it.

"Well, maybe she's just been busy? You know Santana, her schedule is always loaded." Mike suggested.

"If she's got the time to spend with him then she's got enough time to reply to a text or give me a call, Mike, and she doesn't." I replied, locking my phone and pushing it to the side. "It's not that I want her to spend all her time with me like how it used to be, but it would be nice knowing what she's up to. Now that we're in different schools it's kind of hard keeping up with her and I don't want us to get to that point where I don't even know her anymore. I don't want that."

"Has it ever gotten _that _bad?" Mike asked, ducking his head down trying to find my eyes. I looked away quickly because that gesture was way too personal for me. Looking someone in the eyes is like peeking into them and seeing who they are, what they're hiding, and I was just not ready for all that yet. I swallowed back that panicky feeling creeping up my spine and shook my head.

"No, I guess not." I answered quietly, "This time just _feels _different though." Mike nodded, exhaling deeply, before going to finish up eating. I was a little glad that he didn't question my answer though, because I really couldn't even explain that feeling to myself. "What should I do?"

He slumped back against the booth, his muscular arms crossing over his chest as he pursed his lips, "You should probably apologize.."

"We don't do that sort of thing." I answered instantly. San and I don't talk about feelings and we certainly don't have these sappy heart to heart apologies, that just wasn't us.

"Well.." He laughed tiredly, "_You _pissed her off so _you _have to fix it. You know what you said wasn't nice, even if she kind of deserved it, so you're the one that has to fix it."

"Why's it have to be me though?" I grumbled, "She's the one who started it.."

"What is this? Middle school?" He grinned, "Who cares who started it, Britt, you've got to be the bigger person and finish it."

He was right, no matter how much I wanted to disagree, he was right. If I didn't make a move, our argument would just drag on forever until San finally wanted to fix it. But the thing is, San isn't one to fix things. She's perfectly capable of moving on without you, and that's something I can't have.

It was kind of like a game to her, let's see how long they can last without me, and we're all players. We're hooked. Personally, I never lasted long and I think somewhere deep down she knew that. It's Santana's game and she always wins. That's why she never made an attempt to fix things because she knows I'm already punishing myself before she even gets to me.

It wasn't until Mike and I were finished up with breakfast and I had already been home for three hours when Santana finally responded to my text.

_Sanny__: I made plans with Sam already.._

I instantly rolled my eyes and stuffed my phone under my pillow without bothering to reply.

Being punished sucked.

I stared up at the ceiling, fingers entwining on my stomach, as I wandered down memory lane. Back when things were so much easier, when we used to have fun and laugh and everything wasn't about boyfriends and sharing time. Back when Santana couldn't _not _talk to me for longer than a couple hours, when we wouldn't drag out our arguments to the point where someone _had _to apologize but we both have a hard time with saying sorry.

Back when we'd spend the night at each other's houses and we'd make pancakes in the morning and giggle about who had the best bed head. Back when-

My phone vibrated again from under my pillow and I contemplated ignoring it; it could be just some stupid comment Santana came up with that'd make me hurt too.

Bad thing about being best friends for so long, we know just what to say to make each other feel like crap.

Taking my chances, I pulled my phone out and unlocked the screen.

_Sanny__: Why?_

Surprised that she wanted a response from me, I quickly began typing back.

_Brittz__: My mom gave me a BOGO coupon for Breadstix & it doesn't expire for a couple weeks tho.._

I hit send and waited patiently. Santana can't resist Breadstix and if she doesn't have to spend money, it's even better. Seconds ticked by, turning into minutes, and the suspense was slowly eating me up, but just as I was about to tuck my phone away again, she texted back.

_Sanny__: Can I be the free one?_

Smiling dopily because I got another response, I typed again.

_Brittz__: Of course! _

I waited again for a response, but this time the minutes turned into hours. All that hope I had earlier, the happiness I felt for finally not being ignored, was gone. My phone was long hidden away again because watching the time tick by was becoming discouraging.

It was disappointing how much Santana affected me. How empty I felt when she didn't talk to me. How she could make me feel so guilty for voicing my opinions. How she can carry on with her life not even caring that I was over here stewing in my shame.

But then as soon as she looked my way, all was forgiven. Like all that bad was somehow wiped away because she was actually acknowledging me again, and I was completely fine with that.

I wondered when she took so much power over me, when did it get so bad, but I couldn't think far enough back when it wasn't like this. I wanted nothing more than to break away from her hold on me, but at the same time, no matter how much it hurt or how sad it was, I wanted it forever.

As best friends though, because that's what we've always been, just best friends.

Approximately one hour and twenty-three minutes later, basically four years in texting time, Santana responded.

_Sanny__: Friday, 6?_

Not being able to stop the giant smile stretching across my face, or that same buzzing feeling again, I quickly responded as if she would change her mind in the next five seconds if I didn't respond fast enough.

_Brittz__: Sounds good! _

And just like that, Santana had me hooked again.

* * *

A/N If Brittany's emotions seem to switch up quickly at times, it's supposed to be that way. Not only is she struggling with her feelings but she's still figuring herself out, sexuality wise, and all that can take quite the toll on a person. I'm sure you guys can see that, but I just wanted to make sure I wasn't confusing anyone. Let me know!


	3. Chapter 3 Stix

CHAPTER 3

_Three months ago;_

_"Aren't you going in the water with us?" San asked as the rest of our friends took off towards the ocean's edge. She stood next to the blanket I was lying out and started taking off her tank top, whipping it off slowly to reveal her flat stomach. I tried not to let my eyes roam as I lay back against my towel. _

_ I was always a little envious of Santana's body; she never worked out a day in her life or even ate relatively healthy food yet she looked like the most athletic person in the world! I mean, I'm equally as fit but I actually have to try to maintain my body._

_ I squinted one eye and gazed up at her while she effortlessly wound up her dark brown locks in a messy bun atop her head, "I'm not hot yet though.." _

_ "Yes you are!" She protested with a laugh, setting her hands on her hips in that challenging way, "Your car doesn't have A/C, we were sweating our asses off." _

_ "Nope!" I huffed, though she was right, and laid my head back on my folded up arms before closing my eyes and letting the sun warm my skin. _

_ "Britt.." She whined as she shuffled her feet impatiently on the sand, "Come on, I don't want to go by myself." _

_ "You're not by yourself, everyone's over there already," I laughed while slipping on my Ray Bans, "You have Quinn, Puck, Mike, Tin-" _

_My words were cut short as I felt a weight land right on my midsection and bare thighs pressing against my sides. My eyes snapped open at the sudden contact as I felt San's cool fingers graze my cheeks to lift my sunglasses off. I always wondered how she can be so cool even when it's a million degrees out like it is. Well, it wasn't a second ago but now it definitely feels like a million degrees. She threw my shades to her pile of discarded shorts and tank top then hovered over me, her hands planting themselves near my shoulders. _

_"Please?" She asked once more, her deep brown eyes boring into mine like she was trying to see in my head or something, like she was trying to do some sort of mind control trick on me. I stared back though, hypnotized by how they almost looked light brown against the bright blue sky, until I couldn't stand the eye contact and tried tearing away from her gaze only for my stare to slowly glide along her protruding collar bones, across the expanse of perfectly tan skin, between her full chest covered skimpily by a black bikini, down her sweat-glistening toned stomach, then stopping at the apex of her thighs which rested against my bare tummy. _

_When I realized where I was staring, I felt my cheeks flush as I quickly looked back up at her eyes. There's not really any other safe place for me to look when she's practically got herself draped over me and with the umbrella in the way, I can't even stare into the sun and try to burn out my eyeballs rather than look at Santana in _that _way. _

_Looking away didn't help stop my body from buzzing though, but I was somewhat thankful that she didn't have her hands on my chest this time. I'm sure she would've felt how hard my heart was hammering and if she felt that, maybe she wouldn't be like this with me anymore. A best friend isn't supposed to make your heart pound like that when they straddle you. _

_Then again, I don't think best friends are supposed to straddle you either. _

_"You're totally sweating, Britt, I think you needz to get in the water." San smirked, the dimples in her cheeks showing as she squinted her eyes. I felt the sweat droplets roll along my hairline as I swallowed hard. _

_"I can't really get up now since you're pinning me down.." I joked, attempting to keep the rasp from showing in my voice._

_Her brow quirked at that before she moved her hands to pull mine from behind my head then wrapped her fingers around my wrists as she pressed them into the sand above us. She tightened her hold slightly as she lowered her head closer to mine. _

_"_This _is pinning you down." She growled teasingly making my mouth go dry. Her dominance made my heart race even faster that I was afraid I might actually die right there, but before I could even protest I heard someone sliding against the sand. _

_"San, get your fat ass off Britt you might kill her!" Quinn teased as she dug inside the cooler and pulled out an icy water bottle. _

_I instantly froze as I felt Quinn's eyes on us. All of that sweat collecting on me because of San, and maybe the heat, turned ice cold. My balled fists sprang open as if to show Quinn that I wasn't encouraging San to be like this, like I was innocent, but Quinn didn't even spare a second glance at us. _

_"Whatever," San grumbled at the other blonde while she rolled off of me then called out some snarky comment when Quinn ran back towards the water to rejoin the others. I leaned up on my elbows, gasping for air, not because San was heavy, but because I felt like I had stopped breathing the whole time she was on top of me. I watched as San looked after Quinn as she crossed her arms then glanced down at me, "Well, I'm hot so I'm going in too." She shrugged and started walking off when something in me made me jump to my feet. _

_"Wait, I'll go!" I called a little too excitedly. She turned to me, cheek bunching grin replacing her pout, as she bounced a little on her toes. _

_"Hell yes," She clapped then pointed to my cut off shorts, "Don't forget to take those off..you didn't bring an extra pair." I looked down and started for the buttons and zipper as I wiggled out of them, my skin tingling again from the warmth of someone staring. _

_I couldn't decide whose stare made me warmer, the sun's or Santana's. _

_I kicked my shorts towards San's pile of clothes and grinned at the way she was looking at me. I nodded towards the water and she slipped her arm through mine as we made our way towards the ocean. _

_"Holy shit, I change my mind," San shrieked as soon as the water lapped at her toes, "This is fucking cold!" I laughed as she tightened her grip on my arm as I tried to walk further into the water. _

_"It's not, you just have to get adjusted to it." I advised, chuckling as I tugged her with me. She planted her feet and shook her head in protest. "San..come on, you wanted to." Rolling her eyes, she let out a huff and let me pull her with me._

_She grumbled until we got up to our knees. Well, my knees, her thighs. She pretty much dug her feet in the sand and gave up going any further because the waves were getting high and she didn't want to get her hair wet. I shook my head at that, who goes to the beach and _doesn't _want to get their hair wet? _

_"San, the others are like right there though..let's just go a tiny bit further." I suggested but she shook her head and crossed her arms. "You stay there then, let the sharks get yo-"_

_"Okay, fine!" She muttered through her smile and started bobbing towards our friends. I followed after her until they all noticed us swimming up. _

_"Saaan, you got her to come!" Mike cheered causing Puck to chuckle. _

_"More like _I _made _her_," I replied and looked to San who was rolling her eyes at Puck, "She didn't wanna get wet but was begging for me to come.." Puck laughed even harder at that but I couldn't understand why he thought it was so funny. _

_"Will you shut up," Quinn admonished and slapped the back of her hand at his chest making him quickly stop. "You're so immature and you're like the oldest one here." _

_"Mike's the oldest.." Puck muttered as he slapped his hands against the water making Quinn shake her head and grumble. Out of all the couples we hang out with, I think I like them the most. They're like complete opposites but somehow they make it work, it's great. San and I laughed at the way Quinn and him started bickering, Puck losing like always._

_"Anyway!" Tina piped in causing the couple to quit arguing though we all knew it was just playful banter, because as soon as we turn our heads, they'll probably be making out. We went on wading around and splashing water, by then Santana was fully dunked and her body had gotten used to the temperature. I ended up switching back and forth from talking with the girls to hanging with the boys, merely because gossip got old after awhile and sometimes the boys got too rough. _

_Sometimes it was nice to just float there alone though; letting the waves rock my body softly while the sun warmed my skin. It was relaxing and definitely needed after the kind of week we've all had. The boys both started up their new jobs: Mike at the dance studio near San's house and Puck at the Zoo giving tours. After going back and forth from different buildings for legal papers, Quinn and I successfully enrolled ourselves in community college for our first semester. Tina had started packing for when she goes out of state for college, something her and Mike had a lot of trouble getting through. Santana, being the youngest out of the group, only had to prepare for her last year of high school. _

_Our little road trip to North Carolina for a few days was something we were all in dire need of for it was the last time we were all going to be together. Sure, Tina was the only one really leaving, but with how our lives are heading in different directions very soon, it'll be a little harder to make time for each other. It's only a matter of time for Tina and Mike to break up, Quinn and Puck's arguments take a turn for the worse when they can't see each other as much anymore._

_It's different for San and I though, we've always been a little different in ways that I'm not even sure about yet. I look at her and I can't picture life without her, but I know things are going to change. Nothing good can stay the same forever, I think about that every time she's single and we go back to our old selves, but now there will be a whole lot more variables to jam kinks in our friendship. _

_"Britt!" San suddenly shrieked and flopped over my midsection causing me to lose my balance in floating on my back and shocking me out of my thoughts._

_Rather than thinking way too far in the future, I'll just live in the now instead. _

_"Damnit, San!" I tried sounding angry but all I could do was laugh at how frantic she was being as I struggled to set my feet back on the ground. "You're gunna drown me, what are you-" _

_"Something fucking touched me! Holy shit, Britt, hold me!" She yelled and started to climb up on me. _

_The perks of being tall, right? _

_"San..it was probably just some seaweed." I said trying to calm her down, but she wasn't having it. Before I could even process it, her legs were wrapped around my waist, arms curling around my neck, and her chest pressing right into mine as she clung tightly to me. Our friends laughed as they watched San's reaction but I made a show of showing them my hands, like I had with Quinn earlier, so they knew I wasn't feeding into her behavior. _

_I wasn't touching her either, I wanted them to see that too. I wanted them to see that I wasn't giving her the idea that I liked her being that close to me..even if I secretly did. _

_"Britt, it felt squishy like a jellyfish and I swear if I get stung.."_

_"I'll pee on you if you do." I answered, smiling up innocently. The sun shown right above her making like this halo of light around her, the salty water rolling off her caramel skin glittering as it rolled down her shoulders and fell back into the water lapping at my sides. _

_"Wave!" Puck called and instinctively slid my hands under San's thighs to keep her steady as I hopped up with the wave so we wouldn't topple over. I tried hard to ignore the feel of her skin slipping up and down against my front as we kept our gazes locked._

_For a second, I forgot we weren't alone. _

_Then again, if we were, she wouldn't be like this. _

_"You'd pee on me?" San questioned, her head tilting to the side as her brows furrowed, "That's so gross." _

_"Well, don't get stung then." I smirked, dropping my hands from her thighs and causing her to slip off of me. She eyed the water around us skeptically before bobbing back towards the group. I followed after her with my eyes wondering why the hell she swam all the way over to me when she could've easily jumped on Quinn or Tina's back instead since they were so much closer. _

"Brittany!"

Shaking my head from walking down memory lane, I turned to the sound of my name being called. My mom was slipping into her white nurse jacket, the one with _Tara_ stitched on the left pocket, as she waltzed into the kitchen.

"I was calling you." She snapped as she buttoned up then turned to me, "Shouldn't you be getting ready for class?"

"It got cancelled for today," I shrugged hoping that my lie would stick. She eyed me skeptically before turning to pour herself a bowl of cereal.

"Wasn't it cancelled yesterday too?"

"That was a different teacher." I answered smoothly then snickered as I drew circles with my finger on the table, "They're probably sneaking off with each other like some gross teacher affair."

Chuckling, she poured the milk and turned to me, "Well, do you work today?"

I nodded, "I picked up a shift but I'm going out with Santana afterwards."

"Okay," She answered simply and reached for her keys, "See you later." I nodded again as she walked out the door and locked it behind her. I let out the breath I was holding then slumped against the dining table.

This was the fourth class I was skipping in fear of getting stranded at school because of my car problems and because I had work in a few hours, I wasn't trying to get stuck and missing work. I waited for the sound of my mom's car to fade away before getting up to fix myself something to eat. Lately it's getting harder and harder to hide that I stopped going to school from my mom. I mean, I pay for everything on my own and I'm old enough to make my own decisions, but I still don't want to be a disappointment. I don't want to be college drop out. I can't really use my dad leaving when I was three as an excuse anymore now that I'm almost nineteen, it's not like my mom didn't do an awesome job raising me alone anyway, I just want something to show for it.

I don't know how going to community college would show that.

Or rather, flunking out, because after so many absences the professor can drop me from the roster and since I'm not dying from an illness or anything serious I could see how they would. I know I could be doing more, trying harder, but I just don't have the motivation to.

I've never thought school was my thing, but I guess I could try again next semester.

My mind began drifting to thoughts of Santana, because that's what it always does, when my phone buzzed against the table.

_Mike__: Today's the day, you nervous?_

Remembering what had me so out of it earlier when my mom was calling me, I became nervous. I had about a week to prepare for dinner with Santana, but in those seven days it was like I remembered every little thing about her that confused me. The touches, the comments, the looks, all of it! And in the span of four years, that was _a lot_!

But the weird thing, what had me confused the most, was that I actually _liked _it. Don't get me wrong, it scared the hell out of me when people were watching but at the same time the love there cancelled it all out.

Wait, love?

_Mike__: You wanna grab breakfast? _

I tightened my hold on my phone as I retraced what I just thought.

Love. I totally said love.

_Brittz__: Not today, work.._

But it's fine, there's all kinds of love. I got love for my mom. I got love for my cousins. I got love for my dog. And I got love for Santana, I got a love for her.

_Mike__: ok, good luck tonight! _

I laughed at seeing the text, because luck? Why would I need luck? It's not like it's a date or anything. It's just Santana and me and dinner at a restaurant and it'll be night time and it's a Friday..

_Brittz__: why am I so nervous.._

_Mike__: I knew it! Lol just remember to be nice. _

I rolled my eyes because what? I'm _always_ nice! Especially to Santana, actually, she's the only one I'm nice to without forcing it.

Except last week when she helped me with the car.

Before I knew it, the time for me to start heading to work was drawing near and I realized I hadn't even picked out an outfit for tonight! My fashion sense has never been as awesome as Santana's, but I at least like to think I don't look like a bum when I go out, especially when I'm with San. She should be proud to go places together, so I try to look decent, not that she would say anything about my appearance. She's never had anything negative to say about it thus far.

Swinging open my closet door, I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at the slim selection. I never really realized how little clothes I have until I need something wear, but I think that happens for all girls! I grumbled as I flicked through the hangers trying to find something appropriate but San's seen everything already. I don't know why I felt the need to dress to impress, I just did, but with the kind of closet I have, I don't think it's possible. I reached for my purple cat sweater before remembering that Santana _hates _the color purple and decided to go with my black and white striped baseball tee, that way I could just wear it under my work shirt and I don't have to spend too much time at home.

After changing into my uniform, I headed for the car. I knew I was leaving a little earlier than usual, but it didn't hurt getting to work early.

But of course, something just had to go wrong.

"Oh, no..come on." I groaned and tried turning my key again only to have the car sputter more. I couldn't understand why it wasn't working; I let it sit all morning! I didn't even go to school because I wanted to make sure it started for work! I knew I didn't have much time and there wasn't anyone I could call so I did what came first to my mind, run.

My work wasn't that far from my house, maybe a couple miles down the street, so running wasn't really a problem. I've always loved running, it's kind of relaxing in a way, gets your mind off things for awhile.

But after the first ten minutes, I didn't like running so much. My calves burned and my chest pounded as I slowed my pace down to a jog in hopes that the pain in my side would go away soon. Once I had gotten to the intersection, I dropped my hands to my knees and hunched over, gasping for air until the light turned red and I was given the okay to walk across.

I was just about to call my work to tell them that I might be a few minutes late when Santana's name flashed across the screen.

"Hello?" I asked through a pant.

"_Get in the car." _

"Huh?" I mumbled as my head shot up to look around me.

"_Left. Your other lef-right-right there." _

About four cars back, Santana was tapping her finger at the steering wheel as she rolled her window down.

"Hurry up, before it turns green!" She yelled through the window and waved me over. I quickly rushed for the car, hoping that I wouldn't get hit, and swung open the door. I slumped against the chair, thankful to be off my feet, while San just stared at me. "You just felt like running today?" She smirked as she pressed the gas and started driving, her gaze moving back towards the road.

"Do I even have to tell you?" I sighed, whipping sweat from my brow with the back of my hand.

"You could've called me, I would've gave you a ride." She shrugged but I just puffed out my cheeks. We're supposed to be mad at each other right now, why would I call?

"I thought you were in school.." I lied.

"I got out early today," She answered, "I was actually on my way to see Sam."

"That's cool." I nodded, "He's not in school?"

"Nope."

"Ohh..no work?"

"Nope," She sighed, "He doesn't have a job."

"Oh, lucky him." I smirked only to have San roll her eyes, but in a way that I knew she was agreeing with me. No one wants to date a bum, that's for every girl.

"Yeah, I don't know why I always pick the guys that have nothing going for them." She grumbled through her smile as she pulled up to the store.

"They must got something you like," I shrugged and sent a smile her way as I started to unbuckle myself, "Thanks for picking me up."

"You're welcome," San grinned, "So do you need a ride home too?"

"Could you?" I asked bashfully, I've always hated asking for things but with San it's always been different, like it's okay to ask. "We could just go straight to Breadstix after I get off?"

"Uhh.." She hummed out while I mentally prepared myself for a Sam-scuse, "I was actually going to hang out with Sam for a little bit, go see a movie, before."

Not really knowing why my whole body lit up in rage, I balled my fists out of San's view, and grumbled, "Because five whole hours aren't enough time.."

"What?" She asked with brows furrowing. I knew she hadn't understood me since I was mumbling through clenched teeth, thank God. I didn't want to dig an even deeper hole than I was already in, but my temper has been a lot shorter lately.

"Nothing," I said, shaking my head, "You guys spend so much time together, he might as well just go with us to dinner too." I wanted to slap my hand over my mouth at the outburst; the whole watching what I say thing has never worked too well with me. Santana just shrugged casually though, not even fazed.

"Maybe, I can ask him if he wants to." She said, playing along perfectly.

"No, no boys allowed," I joked, hoping that by laughing it would ease the tension I was creating. San just shook her head, smile playing at her lips, so I guess it did.

"Go to work, I'll see you at 5." She ordered and started rolling up the window I was talking to her through as she smiled sweetly. I nodded and waved as she drove off before rushing inside and actually clocking in on time.

Five and half hours later, and what felt like a million pairs of jeans refolded and blouses put back on hangers, my shift was finally over. I could never really complain too much about my job because it really was the easiest thing on Earth, but doing the same thing over and over again can get boring and I hate being bored.

"Hey!" San greeted happily as I plopped down in the passenger seat.

"Hi," I grinned at her excitement as she started her car up.

"I cancelled with Sam, did you want to go home to change or did you just want to take your top off right here?" She asked, smirking over at me.

"Wait, you cancelled with Sam?" I sputtered, confused but also feeling really warm inside, "For me?"

She just lifted a shoulder casually, "I needz girl time."

"We can go straight there," I beamed, suddenly super happy because she somewhat chose me over him. She could've just dropped me home, did whatever her and Sam do, then came back to get me like I was some obligation but she didn't. She chose to cancel and for some reason that makes my heart pound a little harder. I started undoing the buttons to my work shirt as she reversed out of the parking spot and headed to the restaurant.

Surprisingly, the place wasn't nearly as packed as I thought it would be considering it was a Friday night. The both of us hopped out of the car and instantly nuzzled into our jackets, shocked by how fast the temperature had dropped within the last twenty minutes, and raced for the entrance.

"Thanks," San mumbled as I held the door open for her and letting her walk ahead of me. I ducked my head bashfully, not realizing what I had just done, before scurrying after her as she approached the hostess.

"For two?" She asked as she eyed the both of us with a friendly smile.

"Mhm," San hummed while my eyes roamed the room suddenly feeling like I was being watched. Only one pair of eyes met mine for a brief moment, but even that caused me to sweat a little.

What if they knew? What if they could just tell by looking at me? What if they didn't approve? What if they thought that San and I were..

The hostess directed us to a table set in the middle of the dining area and the spot instantly had the hairs on the back of my neck standing. I didn't want to make a scene. I wanted to show Santana that I was still normal, that being who I really was didn't change anything, but damn it was hard!

"Is this alright?" The hostess asked as she gestured to the table. I kept quiet as I straggled behind San a little.

"Uhhh.." San hummed as she looked over her shoulder at me, surveying me almost, then turned back to the hostess, "Could we actually get that booth over there?" She pointed to a two seater table set off to the corner, practically hidden from everyone's eyes.

"Sure, no problem." The hostess replied and walked us that way. The further I walked from the table, the more tension seemed to ease off my shoulders. "Your waitress is Holly, she'll be right over. Enjoy!"

"Thanks," San nodded as we took our seats. I shrugged off my jacket quietly though I could feel San's eyes boring into me. I didn't look up though, just focused on setting my jacket aside.

"Hi guys, I'm Holly. I'll be taking care of you, can I start yall off with some drinks?" A cheerful blonde greeted as she whipped out her notepad and smiled down at us. We took turns giving our orders before sinking back into silence as we looked over the menus.

Struggling to break the awkwardness I somehow kept creating, I attempted to make conversation.

"We are always coming here, but I never know what to get." I grumbled down at the menu then looked over at her, "What are you getting?"

"Hell if I know," She huffed, brows furrowing in concentration, "What does the coupon cover?"

Almost forgetting I had it, I searched my jacket pockets for the slip of paper.

_Buy one entrée get one of equal or lesser value free. Expires November 3, 2012. _

"Oh, you can get whatever entrée you want." I shrugged before double taking the expiration date. "Hey San, what's today?"

"Friday?" She answered as she looked up from her menu, hands folding on top of it.

"No..I meant like the number."

"Oh, uhh..the fourth?"

Fuck. _Expires November 3, 2012. _Of course!

"What's wrong?" She asked worriedly as she tried to look over the table into my lap.

"Nothing," I squeaked and hid the coupon, "I was just remembering I have an exam on Monday." I shrugged casually before going back to reading.

"Britt..I know you stopped going to school."

"What?" I deadpanned as I looked up at her, "Wha-how?"

"One of Sam's friends has a class with you and he hasn't seen you in awhile." San replied, "Also, you haven't talked about that cute girl you always talk about.."

Swallowing thickly, I sighed. I hate feeling like I've disappointed someone. "It's only been four days and the car keeps dying and work and-"

"Chill, Britt, I'm not judging you." San laughed, "You don't have to explain."

I gave her a tight lipped smile then nodded as I went back to searching the menu. Thankfully, we both made our minds up by the time Holly came back around to take our orders.

"Hey, look at that guy over there.." San whispered, nudging the tip of my toe with hers beneath the table as she flicked her eyes subtly to the table next to us, "He's tearing that pasta up!" San giggled in that super dorky hood rat voice she used but seeing her laugh and how her eyes got all squinty kind of made me laugh too.

Then almost as if on cue, he let out one of the loudest burps ever causing San and I to burst out in another fit of giggles.

"That was real cute, sir." I snickered, my cheeks tinting red from all the laughing.

And just like that, the awkward tension was gone. It was almost as if we were never in an awkward position to begin with! We carried on just like normal best friends, zipping through different topics faster than others could even hope to keep up with.

We were about twenty minutes into our dinner when San started complaining about Sam.

I know it's selfish of me, but I've kind of always secretly loved hearing how sucky San's _perfect _guys actually were. It was like she was siding with me for a change when it came to showing her that her life didn't have to revolve around her boyfriend. It was nice hearing that those guys did have their faults and there were times when San didn't want anything to do with them, because the less time with them, the more time with me.

And more time with me is the best because I'm totally better than the boys!

"You know he takes _just _as long as I do to get ready?" She said, smacking her hand at the table as she ducked her head. "Britt. Do you _know _how long it takes me?"

"It takes you a long time, yeah.." I nodded knowingly, trying to keep from smiling because was acting as if it was the worst thing in the world.

"Exactly," San pointed and went to take a sip of her drink while I just picked at the hem of my shirt, "I'm not even sure if I like him yet, is that weird?" That shocked me a little, well enough for me to snap my head up to look her in the eyes. Thankfully she was tapping away at her phone when she said that. "I mean, he's a great guy and all but sometimes..I don't know. He's so..emotional."

"What?" I laughed, "What do you mean emotional?"

San just shrugged her shoulders, "He's like sensitive, it's weird."

I fist pumped in my head: all San has to do is pick out all the cons and realize that they outweigh the pros and we're in the clear!

I don't know exactly what we're in the clear for, but we are.

"Like once we were watching a movie and he had commented on how attractive the girl was but I didn't think she was all that cute, so I said so, and he got all quiet. Then he started acting all jealous because I didn't think the girl was attractive. Like what?" She explained like she was on the verge of laughing because it all was so ridiculous.

"He got jealous because you checked out a girl, is that what you're saying?" I asked skeptically, squinting my eyes at the idea of San looking at any girls in _that _way. She does it all the time, even acts on her touches if she wants to; she's totally comfortable with interacting that way with girls. It kind of pisses me off because she could easily pass for gay and she'd totally go with it and everyone, including her, would probably be okay with it.

I on the other hand have freaking panic attacks and can't even call myself a les-

"Sometimes I think I only talk to him because he kind of acts like a girl, you know? Like maybe I'm secretly gay and so is he we're just each other's beards." She added casually as she swirled her straw in her drink. "Like he's really the girl and I'm the boy in the relationship."

At the sound of relationship, I internally cringed. It was way too soon for relationship, it felt like they _just _started talking like a week ago!

But my focus wasn't really on that, it was mostly on the fact that San just brought up the idea of her being anything but straight. I don't know why, but something in me, something warm and fuzzy, started forming and it spread throughout all my limbs as she went on explaining her and Sam's backwards relationship.

"I don't believe in there being a boy and a girl in a relationship, I think it's about balancing the dominance and submissiveness. You know? Like it can switch up.." I replied when I finally found my voice again.

"Well, I totally wear the pants in this. That's for sure!" She laughed, "He's so feminine, that's probably why I'm attracted to him!"

With wide eyes and nearly choking on my drink, I tried to clear my throat. "You sound gayer than me right now.." I offered jokingly only to make San laugh.

"Yeah, but I like dick too much for all that." San teased, "Plus, girls are fucking confusing."

Yeah, don't have to tell me twice! Really..

"Very true," I nodded in agreement. I tried to wave off San's comment about _liking dick too much_, for some reason hearing that kind of killed my high spirits. "Well, you have three months to figure it out. Those are the rules."

"Yeah, I know the rules.." San grumbled as Holly came back around with our entrees.

A couple years ago, San and I created the Three Months Rule. The time period was supposed to be used to befriend the boy before actually making anything official. For San, it was three months of teasing until she decided to trap them. For me, it was teasing until I got annoyed and kicked them to the curb.

I never made it to three months because I lost interest. San never made it because she got too anxious. The rules still stuck though and we both made strong attempts to follow them.

Key word, _attempts_.

"One check or separate?" Holly asked when she came round to clear the table of our empty plates. Suddenly remembering the expired coupon I had hiding in my jacket, I tried keeping my cool as San smiled at me.

"Britt, show her the coup-"

"It's one." I answered, cutting off San and passing Holly my credit card.

"Awesome, I'll be right back." Holly replied and skipped off while San just stared at me with furrowed brows.

"What the hell?"

"What?" I asked innocently.

"You're supposed to give her the coupon.."

"Yeah, I'll give it to her when she comes back." I shrugged but San wasn't buying it.

"Here you go ladies," Holly cut in as she set the bill down between San and I, "Just wave me over when you're ready."

San and I locked gazes as our hands crept up on the edge of the table. I watched as she glanced down at the black folder then up at me as I did the same. As if it was a race, we both shot out for the bill.

"Oh my God, Britt!" San laughed as I snatched the bill and hugged it to my chest away from her eyes. "Let me see how much it was!"

"Nope!" I smirked and snuck a quick peek.

"I know your coupon is expired, let me pay for my half." She ordered through a toothy grin causing my grip on the bill to loosen.

"What? How do you always know.." I muttered but she just continued to eye me.

"I just do," She returned the smirk as she narrowed her eyes but soon gave up when she realized I wasn't going to give up the check anytime soon. "Why do you want to pay so bad? You don't have to-"

"I invited you out because of the coupon, I didn't bother to check the expiration, and you thought you were eating for free." I ranted, "So it's my treat." I also wanted to add; _besides I was really rude to you about Sam being a rebound and I want my best friend back_, but San doesn't do apologies and that sounds an awful like one. "You can pay the tip!"

"Fine," She grumbled through another toothy grin as she began digging through her purse, "But I'm making it up to you. Okay?"

"Okay," I nodded as I signed my name on the receipt, "You know, my birthday is coming up!"

"Of course I know," She winked, "I've already got _that _covered, you just wait."

The smile she gave me when she said that, the way her eyes twinkled with mischief and love, again with that word, had my body buzzing. I was never too fond of my birthdays, mostly because I never have anything fun to do, but knowing San's _already _got something up her sleeve for that had me extremely anxious and my birthday isn't for another three weeks!

That's something I've always loved to hate about Santana: she's an expert tease. Whether it's with surprises or being physical, she definitely knows how to work it and it just so fantastically aggravating how she can have you practically begging for more.

And knowing I'd still have to wait three weeks for what she's got planned, I was already wanting to beg for more.

* * *

A/N How was that? I'll be adding random flashbacks, like the one in the beginning of this chapter, throughout the story to show why Brittany feels so confused when it comes to Santana. Hopefully this chapter cleared up some of your questions about ages/school/etc..I'm up on tumblr and here if you want me to clear up anything I might've missed.

I have a funny feeling you guys will really like the next chapter, it's sort of my favorite memory since this is based on a true story. LOL


	4. Chapter 4 Good and Bad

CHAPTER 4

_December; _

I've always loved the holiday season, I mean, who doesn't? Everyone's friendly, except on Black Friday when you're trying to get your hands on the last of the latest ipods, my mom buys those seasonal smelling candles and always has them lit, all the department stores are decked out to the fullest in Christmas decorations, and it's my one time a year when I can pin my secret niceness on the fact that it's the season of giving.

Though Christmas is really the show stealer when it comes to December, it's not the only big event of the month. Another reason why I love the holiday season so much is that December has always been me and Santana's month. With our annual best friend day in the beginning of the month, my birthday in the middle, Christmas shortly after, and New Year's, you could see why it's such a meaningful time for us. No matter what we're doing, how complicated our lives are, what fight we may be in, we somehow always find a way to put our differences aside and be together.

This year is no different.

After having dinner at Breadstix a few weeks ago, things have definitely taken a turn for the better. In an unspoken agreement, I have decided to tone down my open dislike for Sam in exchange that Santana better split up her time between us.

I've even trained myself to bite my tongue when that trouty mouth jerk off pretended to bone San when she bent over to pick up her purse and _that _was hard. I can still see that smug bastard's face when he did it and I swore I was about to bite my tongue in half at just watching the immature gesture.

Thank God San caught on and yelled at him. I remember how she peeked over her shoulder at me, her eyes softening but her brows crinkled in embarrassment. It was a weird look she gave me, it was like she was saying sorry and be nice all at once.

It's crazy how we can have a conversation like that just through glances.

Other than the occasional slip ups, which I can't tell whether San just doesn't see or chooses to ignore, things are totally running smoothly!

So smooth that I saw Santana _six _days in a row, and that hasn't happened since we were both going to the same school! It was mostly because I kept needing a ride from work, my mom doesn't like me walking home when it's dark out, and because San needed help with her homework. I'm sort of a genius when it comes to math, hard to believe, I know.

Suddenly spending so much time together was a nice change, but at the same time, I couldn't help but think something bad was coming. Nothing good lasts forever, I knew that from experience. With that in mind, I cherished every second I had with her because I know, in a flash, she could be gone again.

"How are things?" Mike asked as we sat across from each other during another one of our ritual breakfast outings. I realized I only do these things when there's something going wrong with me and San, but this time it was _he_ who wanted to meet up. I could tell by bags under his eyes and his disheveled hair that he wasn't really in the best condition, yet he was still asking about me rather than venting himself.

"Fine, surprisingly." I shrugged and pushed around the hash browns on my plate, "We went out again last week for best friend day, it was nice." I really didn't want to ask how he was; I could just see he wasn't doing well, but I had to return the favor. He'd been listening to me bitch and moan about Santana for weeks, the least I could do is allow him to do the same, even though I've heard it all before.

As soon as he muttered Tina's name, I knew I was in for long story of how she's being short with him when he tries to make conversation, ignoring his calls, hanging out with new people at her college, getting a life. It's sort of expected when _he_'s the one who cheated on her three days before she left for school.

I never really understood his whole motive for doing it; the guy is in love with her! Why would you hurt someone so deeply then get upset that they're trying to move on?

I learned to keep those kinds of questions to myself though, Mike and I are good friends but there are some subjects even I don't want to touch on. So instead, I sit silently and listen to all of his gripes and complains. At one point they sounded oddly familiar though: Why does she have to rub how she hangs out with a new guy in my face? Why can't she respond to my texts, I'm just trying to keep in touch with her? It's been four years; she can't just leave me like this!

I wanted to reach over and slap him, remind him that maybe this was for the best and maybe tell him to quit being pathetic. But I didn't think that was my place to say something like that either, I mean, I'm not in any better position. He obviously wasn't ready for a long distance thing and that showed in her last days here, but even that doesn't excuse his behavior. I stayed quiet though, nodding and mhming every now and then. Once I get going, I can't stop and if I say something hurtful, I'll just breeze right past it like it was nothing. I continued to let him vent. It's never good to keep things bottled up.

I'm still trying to realize that myself actually.

"So do you know what Santana's got planned for your birthday?" Mike's swift subject change had me torn my thoughts, worried that maybe my zoning out was obvious but Santana's name being mentioned already had me smiling.

"Of course not," I laughed tiredly, "All I know is that she's really excited about it, for all I know it's probably a stripper."

"It's definitely not a stripper," Mike chuckled mischievously causing me to quirk my brow.

"Wait a sec-"

"Don't even, my lips are sealed."

"You know?" I gasped, almost jumping over the table, "Tell me!"

"Hell no," He laughed and pushed me back down in my seat as he eyed the other patrons around us, "I know Santana's wrath and I rather not deal with it." I rolled my eyes and slumped back in my seat, huffing and crossing my arms. "Don't be like that," He teased, grinning dopily, "You'll find out tomorrow.."

"I wanna know now though.." I grumbled feeling my bottom lip jut out. It only made Mike laugh harder.

"Tell you what," He started, rustling back against his side of the booth matching my crossed arms, "Santana doesn't get out of school till two. How about I take you out to lunch beforehand to kill some time?" There was a little twinkle in his dark brown eyes, not the same that you could find in Santana's, but a twinkle nonetheless.

I never could decipher the twinkle but I saw it every time I'd use the pout.

"Sounds like a plan!" I chirped, choosing to ignore the overly excited smile that pulled at his lips.

_Midnight;_

I was all cuddled up in bed, comforter wrapping my body up like a cocoon, when the vibrations from under my pillow were too annoying to ignore. Grumbling because it took me forever to finally fall asleep, I was really excited about my birthday, I blindly reached under for my phone. Not even opening my eyes to see who was calling, I swiped at the screen and brought it to my ear.

"_It's yo birthday and I know you wanna ri-i-i-ide out, even if we only go to my-y-y house!" _

Even in my dazed, groggy, state I could pick that voice out anywhere. I rolled over on my back and clutched the phone to my ear, letting Santana sing out the first verse of the song as it was tradition to always call each other at exactly midnight on our birthdays and sing that song. As she finished, I felt myself smiling dopily at the suggestive lyrics before realizing that I hadn't even spoke a word yet.

"_You better be awake because I'm not singing it again.._" She muttered and I could almost picture the eye roll she would be giving me if I did happen to fall back asleep during her performance.

"I'm awake," I chuckled, my voice raspy from just waking up.

"_Good, did you like my song?_" She asked cockily.

"Yeah, I always do."

"_Great, well, you sound sleepy. Almost like someone just woke you up or something,_" She teased.

"Me? Sleeping? No.." I giggled, the sleep that was so hard to come now fleeting at every word she uttered.

"_Uh-huh, sure. You can go back to sleep now, I'll see you in a few hours for the first of your awesome surprises!" _

"Can't wait," I grinned, my cheeks stinging at how hard I was smiling.

"_Me either! Okay, happy birthday again. Love you, night!" _

Then the line went dead before I could even get a reply out, not like I would reply anyway. I've never been too affectionate and neither has my family. I didn't grow up around giving hugs for greetings or ending each phone call with _love you_. My family shows love for each other in different ways, like it's an unspoken thing. On the rare occasion that we _do _hug it out or express our love, I always end up feeling really out of place since it's so uncommon.

Santana's family is actually kinda similar now that I think of it. Out of all of them, even her older brother and sister, San's the only one that's so openly affectionate. She has no problem expressing her love which is ironic because she hates talking about feelings; the two pretty much go hand in hand.

But what's weird is that I've always had a soft spot for Santana when it comes to that sort of thing. I'm more comfortable allowing San to touch me rather than hugging my own mom! I've even said more _love you too_'s in reply to San, though it has to be a really special occasion for that, than I've said to anyone else including family members. I don't know what it is about her that makes it so easy to give in and change up my whole upbringing, but she's got it.

Somewhere between my walks down memory lane, which have become a frequent thing, and trying to keep from getting too excited about my surprise, I fell back asleep.

I know that yesterday I was super anxious about my birthday, so anxious that I almost pounced on Mike for details, and I was worried that time would move so slowly, but as the day kicked off I realized that it was going by relatively fast.

I felt like I wasn't even out of bed for more than an hour yet before Mike was coolly exiting his car as I walked out to greet him. There was this weird aura around him, like his smile was way too friendly and the way he combed through his hair with his fingers was so deliberate; like he _wanted _to be looked at. As he walked around the car, I took in his outfit and was actually somewhat taken aback by how handsome he was, or at least tried to be. He had on this really fancy looking fitted peacoat that he left open as his fingers fidgeted with the buttons of his light grey, cotton button up before he dug his hands in the front two pockets of his tight fitting khaki's to try and shield them from the chilly breeze.

"Happy birthday, Britt!" He cheered when he stopped about a foot away from me.

"Thanks," I grinned before we both walked back to the car. I was a little confused as to why he was following me over to the passenger side, but when he reached for the handle I caught on rather quickly.

"M'lady," He said in some weird olden-days accent as he gestured for me to get in.

Chuckling, I just shook my head and hopped in, "I'm not anyone's _lady_."

"Of course not," He laughed back in his regular voice before sprinting around the car to get back in the driver's seat. He started the car up with ease then handed me his ipod that was connected to the car speakers, "Birthday girl can pick."

"I _always _pick," I joked and took the ipod as I began to scroll through all his Christmas music. When I finally settled on a song, I rested my head against the head rest and stared out the window. I took in how bare the trees looked without the leaves to shield their trunks from the beaming sun, the still frost bitten tips of grassy meadows, and the realization that within a few hours I'd finally get San's surprise!

"So how do I look?" Mike's deep voice cut through the cheery music and thoughts swirling around me. I tore my eyes away from the window to look at him, brows scrunching. There was like this hopefulness in his tone, something I was used to hearing from guys when I used to be around them a lot.

"Uhm.." I hummed trying to ignore that same twinkle in his eyes as we stopped at a red light. The sudden urge to blurt out that I was a les-I mean-gay was beginning to be unbearable. For the first time, I wanted to tell the truth. I wanted to scream it from the top of a mountain, or maybe like the roof of his car since mountains sort of freak me out, but the fear still had a hold on me. I couldn't play with his emotions, I knew what that felt like and I just couldn't do that to him. He smiled widely, almost making him look a little goofy, causing this wave of guilt to hit me full force. I had to do something to keep him from coming on to me and quick!

I went with the best thing I knew how to do when it came to boys that I didn't want to like me: insult.

"Your jeans are really tight that I can almost see the outline of your tiny dick," I replied almost robotically. The words burned as they left my lips and I could tell by the way Mike clamped his mouth shut that they had the desired effect. I wanted to feel bad, but I know Mike can take some insults. It's kind of how we bond and now that I think of it, I don't know why I went with insulting him.

"I see you curled your hair today, finally, you look like a girl!" He shot back sassily as he went back to watching the road. I gritted my teeth at his comeback, but decided to swallow back another insult since I sort of deserved that one. Sucky thing about being friends with Mike is that he has no problem picking on things I'm insecure with, my femininity being one of them.

I never understood his narrow minded views on women and their appearances and that was something we always got into arguments over. A girl doesn't have to cake on make up and wear dresses and love the color pink and do her nails to be a girl. A girl is still a girl if she like playing sports and video games and doesn't like going shopping. A girl is still a girl if she loves the color pink _and _likes playing sports. There are so many different combinations of girl and Mike has the hardest time seeing that and it frustrates me to no end!

"So where are we going?" I asked, deciding to drop his comment because he was still doing something nice for me on my birthday.

"Downtown," He replied cheerfully like our little conversation minutes before never happened, "Ever had gelato?"

"Is that a special kind of Jell-o?" He just laughed at my question and shook his head as he drove on. After about a 15 minute drive, we had parked and were now walking up to a cute little café looking restaurant. The bell chimed as we entered and the workers from behind the counter waved to Mike and I. He was quick to make conversation, Mike's always been a little chatty, as he showed me all the flavors of gelato, which surprisingly wasn't a special kind of Jell-o.

"You can taste test which ever you like. You get a sandwich, chips, whatever two flavors of gelato, and a drink." He instructed quickly as I tried to keep up. I nodded to whatever he said as I gazed down at all the different colors and flavors while he talked excitedly with the girl on the other side of the counter. As I haphazardly listened to their conversation, I wondered if Mike actually knew the girl or if he was just trying to flirt.

"I'll have whatever is your favorite flavor," He said smoothly causing me to chuckle down at the glass. I couldn't tell if he was just being friendly or what, but I was thankful that it wasn't directed towards me anymore. After a few more minutes looking over the menu, we finally ordered and were going to pick out a seat. I had chose to save our spot while Mike went up to grab our order when my phone buzzed against the table.

_Sanny__: Two more hours! I'm so excited, you better wear something nice. _

My stomach fluttered at seeing my best friend's name grace my screen, probably because of the surprises I was still anxious to see. She had been sending me a text or two every 30 minutes or so just letting me know how pumped she was about taking me out later. Seeing her so antsy about doing something with me strangely had me buzzing with excitement. She's never been one to get overly excited about things so it must be a really awesome present!

_Brittz__: Me too! & you can't tell me what to wear.._

_Sanny__: why not? _

_Brittz__: It's my bday, I do what I want! I'll wear sweats and you'll like it._

_Sanny__: I would love that ; ) _

"Woah, who are you texting? You're like..blushing." Mike asked as he set down the trays of food on the table. I instantly locked my phone and stared wide eyed up at him, hoping that the heat in my cheeks would disappear since I wasn't looking at Santana's texts anymore. I was cursing my body for betraying me so, her texts weren't even blush-worthy!

"Uhh, no one..I was-uh-reading a story." I shrugged, "It was cute." He wasn't convinced.

"Cute?" He asked as he started situating his sandwich, "Since when do _you _refer to anything as _cute_?" My lips parted as I was about to argue, but it was a lost battle already. He was right, I don't refer to anything as cute. Like ever. Why the hell did it even come out of my mouth?

I felt my phone buzz in my lap again and remembered why it accidently slipped out; Santana.

_Sanny__: Can I just skip the rest of my classes.._

"You must be really into this dude.." Mike teased, going to take a big bite of his sandwich, "But eat your food before I do!"

"Not a dude, but okay." I smirked before chomping away. Aside from a few comments Mike made about girls and that weird look he gave me that I tried ignoring, the rest of lunch went smoothly! Within a few minutes, we were on the drive back to my house where Santana was going to meet us. We were hoping to beat her there, but when we rounded the corner and saw her little green car parked by the curb, we admitted defeat.

As soon as I saw her parked there, that giddy feeling was back, and when Mike and I started walking towards her car, it multiplied by a thousand. Looking through the back window, I could see that she had her chair back and she was propping up her feet near the side mirror like she'd been waiting for awhile. I slowly walked around to the driver's side and poked at her boot.

"Finally, I've been waiting for ages!" She teased as she moved her chair back up, her smile stretching as she looked up at me.

"Blame Mike," I joked and jutted my thumb in his direction, "He drives kind of slow.."

"What? No I don't!" He gasped and walked up to my side, "Hey Santana."

"Mhm." She hummed her greeting to Mike, her smile faltering just a little before she looked back at me, "You ready to go?"

"Yeah!" I answered excitedly then turned to Mike, "Thanks for lunch!"

"You're welcome." He replied then moved to lean into the car to talk to San while I moved to the passenger side. I was a little curious as to what they were talking about since their voices were just barely over a whisper, but as much as I wanted to listen, I didn't want to ruin my own surprise.

"What? But I want to be there when it happens!" Mike protested loudly causing me to whip my head to them. San's eyes flicked to me nervously before looking back at Mike.

"Shut up! You're going to give it away." She snapped making him groan and roll his eyes, "Thanks for keeping her company, now back up. You're gunna make us late."

"Fine." He grumbled then waved to me one last time before going back to his car. I thought their whole exchange was weird, but knowing that I had a surprise, I didn't think too much of it.

San started up the car as she glanced to me, almost checking if I had been listening as closely to her and Mike's conversation, and smiled.

"Well, I'm glad you didn't go with sweat pants." She smirked then leaned over the middle console to grab the sunglasses that were dangling off of my sun visor, clearly not bothered that she was totally invading my personal space. It's Santana though, when is she ever bothered by invading _anyone's _personal space?

"So where are we going?" I questioned a few minutes later once we started making our way out of my neighborhood. It took me by surprise when she took the less traveled way then merged into the lane that merged onto the interstate.

"You'll see.." She smirked again as she kept her eyes on the road. I grumbled at her vague response but kept alert to the street signs that we passed hoping that I could maybe get a clue and figure it out, but then watching all those signs pass us by so fast started getting me motion sick. I ended up just lounging back and enjoying the ride.

"Can I at least get my present?" I asked as sweetly as I could, maybe she'd have mercy on me.

She turned a smirk on me and shook her head, "I'm giving that to you the very last."

"Urgh, fine.." I sighed, the suspense building even more. San just laughed and continued to keep her eyes focused on the road.

It wasn't until I saw the Lima City Limits sign that I started to get a little worried. We'd never left the city before, at least not alone, and I'm horrible with directions so if we get lost I'd probably cry.

"Hey San?" I mumbled, interrupting her little Beyonce solo. She lowered the radio volume and hummed. "Are we supposed to be leaving the city?"

"Yup!" She answered happily, "We're not going out too far though, don't worry. I've been to where we're going before." That settled my nerves a bit, so I just nodded and sat back, letting her turn the volume up again.

After about 15 more minutes on the highway, she took an exit that I was somewhat familiar with. Living in Lima, you're sort of stuck with only two little malls but if you _really _want to get something nice, you venture out here to the triple story mall. It's pretty much the best mall in west Ohio, or at least that's what everyone in Lima thinks, and the exit that San took would lead us right to there.

"Saaan, are you taking me shopping?!" I cheered but she just laughed and shook her head.

"Definitely not, I'm not _that _rich." She chuckled, "But we _are _heading in that direction."

"I knew it!" I answered triumphantly then sat patiently as San parked the car in the mall parking garage. I was a little thrown off as to why we were parking there since we weren't going shopping, I mean, why go to the mall if you're not going to buy anything? That's just teasing and mean.

"Do you know what we're doing yet?" She grinned mischievously as she adjusted her jacket and waited for me to get out of the car. I took in my surroundings, but I was completely stumped.

"Nope.." I pouted. She seemed to like that her surprise was working out for her by the way she smiled at my response.

"Damn, I'm so good." She said, brushing off her shoulder as she grinned, "Well, come on. Can't keep birthday girl waiting.." She gestured for me to follow after her as she walked towards the stairs going down. The closer we got to ground level, the colder it became. Probably because the garage walls weren't shielding us from the wind as much as it was higher up, but I really didn't mind it since cold weather always made San stand a little closer to me.

Best friends share body heat when it's cold out, that's a normal thing, right? No one should look at us funny because we're just trying to keep warm just like everyone else outside.

I felt like we were getting closer to our destination with the way San kept checking over her shoulder at me, grinning like she's got the best kept secret. I didn't connect the dots until we were lining up in front of this trailer looking building. As we stepped closer to the trailer, I made out the tiny words on the sign hanging just to the right where a woman was tending to each customer through a window.

_Rental skates - $10 _

I turned to San with my jaw somewhat dropped and took in her smug smile, "You took me to ice skate?!" I nearly yelled because I was so excited.

"Oh my God, Britt, shhh.." She laughed and wrapped her fingers around my bicep, almost like she was trying to keep me from bouncing on my toe.

"San, I'm so excited now!" I cheered, quieter this time. "Well, I was already excited but now I'm _more _excited."

"Yeah, well..I remember how sad you were that you didn't get to go last year so..ta-da!" She shrugged, "Have you ever ice skated before?"

"Nope!" I replied, popping out the last syllable, "But I've been regular skating before, I'm sure it's the same, right?" San just side glanced me, smirking again, but didn't answer me. Just as I was about to beg for an answer, the woman hanging out of the window gestured for us to approach. Before I could even ask if they took credit cards, San had slipped her a $20 and was already passing me my wrist band that showed we paid already.

"San-"

"No, don't." She held up her hand, shielding the side of her face from me, "Birthday girls aren't supposed to pay for anything." I grumbled as we waited for our skates, but San just laughed again, "Besides, this is like payback for when you didn't tell me your coupon expired!"

"Okay, fine.." I muttered though the smile was still evident on my face. We waited a few more minutes in line before taking our rental skates over to the benches where we could switch out of our boots.

"Hey, we're still kinda matching!" I cheered as I gestured to her red and black skates that matched her jet black leather jacket and red knit beanie. She tilted her head to the side in that analyzing way as she looked down then over to my grey and pink skates that matched my thick light grey sweater and baby pink tank top.

"Huh, looks like we do," She smirked and went on unzipping her boots.

Because the temporary skating rink was set up in between two of the tallest buildings outside of the mall that blocked out the setting sun, the temperature seemed drop about 20 degrees. Luckily for me, I was all bundled up! Well, I wasn't wearing a jacket but I always dressed in layers, especially in the winter because I hate being cold so I didn't really need to. Santana, on the other hand, wasn't nearly as warm as I was. Yeah, she wore her usual leather jacket but under than was just a flimsy tank top.

After lacing up my skates, I sat back with an amused grin on my face as I watched San fumble with hers. Her brow was all creased and I could tell by the way she was biting on her lip that she was getting frustrated which made it all even funnier.

"Stop laughing at me," She grumbled without taking her eyes off her fiddling fingers. My eyes widened as I pulled my lips into a tight smile, attempting to keep my giggles from getting louder. I continued to watch her previous concentrated scowl melt into a grin as she finally tied her skates successfully. She rose on two wobbly legs and towered over me, "Ready?"

"Uh-huh," I nodded and stood up just as wobbly as she did. We made our way over to the opening of the rink at a snail's pace because walking in ice skates is like the equivalent to walking in 7 inch high heels. Kids zoomed by us effortlessly as we tried making it onto the ice causing us to lose our balance and grip to the dividing wall for dear life, but once I got both skates on the ice, I realized it wasn't _too _hard. I pushed my feet apart and back together, surprised that I went about a couple feet from San without busting my ass.

"Britt, what if I fall?" San grumbled as I coaxed her further onto the ice. She was practically hugging the wall as she set one skate on the ice.

"I'll try not to laugh at you," I answered through a wide grin, "Come on, Sanny, those guys are about to come over and yell at you for blocking the entrance."

"Fuck them, I'm trying.." She huffed, throwing a glare over her shoulder at an oncoming worker. I stifled another laugh as the employee scurried off. Finally, she set both feet on the ice and through my instruction, she moved closer to me.

"See, you didn't fall..yet." I teased though I was still getting acquainted to the movements myself. She just huffed and tried swatting at my shoulder without realizing that any swift movement like that throws off your balance.

"Oh shit," She gasped as her arms flailed out quickly and her body jerked forward and back. Miraculously, she stayed standing.

"See what happens when you try to fight me?" I teased as I skated a little further up from her and attempted to sneak a peek over my shoulder. I wasn't really that advanced yet and my own body did a similar _oh shit I'm falling _dance causing San to laugh.

"One of us is going to bust our ass by the end of the night," She joked as we both skated side by side with our arms out for balance. A couple more kids whizzed by us, clearly showing off that they could skate better than a couple of teenagers and they're like 6. They even did a little spin around this elderly couple! Though they had already made like 4 laps around us, they still caught San off guard and before I could really register it, her hand had somehow made its way into mine.

Suddenly, I wasn't so cold anymore. Even through my gloves I could feel the warmth of her skin pulsating against my hand and when she'd grip tighter because she thought she was about to fall, my stomach flipped. It was such a funny feeling, a feeling that I've only felt like twice before: the first time being the day at the beach this past Summer and the second being that one time she left a hickey on my shoulder and I couldn't wear a tank top for a week!

I was never into holding hands when I dated boys, it'd just make me feel like I was being controlled for some reason. I know I wasn't because I was the dominant one in all of those relationships, but I was never too comfortable doing it. When I did, it was either because I had to _look the part_ or because all the other girls were doing it. It felt forced and I hated it.

Holding hands with Santana didn't feel forced though. It felt all sorts of right, like this is what holding hands is supposed to feel like. It's supposed to make you feel warm and fuzzy and needed and nervous and excited and amazing. Like holding on to me was some sort of protection for her, in a way it was because letting go possibly meant falling.

All the warning lights were flashing in my head though, reminding me that I'm not supposed to feel any of those things for my best friend. I was so conflicted. Then that turned into the paranoia that people were looking, were judging, and I couldn't have that. They could judge me and glare and say mean things to me, but not to Santana. They weren't allowed to be like that to her, she's not even _like _me. She's not gay, she shouldn't have to suffer the same consequences as I do.

Just then a group of girls skated around us, all holding hands and laughing as one of them almost slipped. They looked carefree and happy and no one seemed to mind that they were holding hands too. I snuck a peek around us at another couple of girls holding hands as they skated side by side effortlessly. The more people I saw holding hands, the faster my panic level seemed to decrease. There were places where holding hands with another girl were normal and there were places where they weren't; ice skating rinks just happen to be one of those places where they were.

San didn't seem to notice my mini panic attack as her eyes were focused straight ahead and trying not to run into anyone. We still didn't know how to stop, so we just continued going in circles, laughing when each other would almost fall. We held tightly to each other's hands still because here it was normal and I could handle that.

So with that in mind, I pushed my feet apart a little further to gain a little speed and towed San behind me. She laughed as I led the way, moving both my hands to hold onto hers as I dodged other skaters. I could feel the blush creeping to my cheeks each time she'd squeal my name when I'd move too fast, but I could easily blame that on the cold. My cheeks and nose always turn a little pink when it's cold outside! I did about two laps of that before I got tired of pulling San around and ended up going back to skating side by side, her hand never leaving mine.

"Damn, this is a work out!" She sighed as our pace slowed.

"I know, my feet are gunna hurt so bad tomorrow!" I giggled, "But it was for a good cause."

"Definitely," San nodded, "People probably think we're girlfriends." She was joking like always, but I still couldn't help that little pang of fear from striking me.

"Doubt it," I countered hoping that my voice wouldn't come out all shaky, "Lots of people are holding hands."

"True," San shrugged casually, "You wanna get some hot chocolate? I think my face is completely numb now."

"Sounds good!" I replied, glad that the subject was changed so swiftly, before carefully leading the way to the entrance of the rink without getting ran into. As soon as she was within arms reach of the dividing wall, her hand left mine. The lost of contact brought back the full effect of the weather and I instantly remembered that it was freezing out, especially now with the sun completely set.

We found our way back to the benches and went to untying our skates though our fingers were practically frozen. After the initial after effects of getting our feet on flat ground, we took our skates back to the booth and turned to the exit.

"I should've worn gloves," San grumbled and just like before, her hand slipped easily into mine again. "You're always so warm, Brittz." She hummed as she shuffled a tiny bit closer to me. It was like being electrocuted again, even if my skin was shielded by my gloves, it still had the same effect. Again I was conflicted because here we are, _not _on the ice anymore, San's shivering, and I'm having another panic attack. I felt my body tense up, no matter how hard I tried not to, I couldn't help it.

"I'm gay, San." I blurted like that meant she wasn't allowed to hold my hand like that anymore because things were different now. She's supposed to control herself because I like girls and I could like her and she doesn't want me falling in love with her or anything like that. Best friends aren't allowed to fall in love with each other.

"I know that," She laughed then rubbed her thumb against the back of the hand she was holding onto as she spoke comfortingly, "We're in a different city, Britt, there's _no _chance of running into anyone we know here. It's okay."

The way she spoke so softly, so certain, it made me want to believe her so bad because this feeling felt so..good. I wanted to just nod and smile and squeeze her hand back just as tight and we could skip off to the doors of the mall. I wanted to revel in the fluttery feelings she gave me in the pit of my stomach. For once in my life, I wanted to let myself enjoy her closeness.

For a split second, I did.

I ignored the way the hairs on the back of my neck seemed to stand and suppressed that rising fear, the paranoia of being watched, and let her tug on my hand some more. I tried remembering that, to her, the gesture was simple and innocent, and she wasn't having an internally war with herself. Her head wasn't screaming at her to let go and her heart wasn't begging her to hold on a little tighter. Nothing about holding hands was scary to San because she's done it tons of times with tons of people, it didn't _mean _the same as it did for me.

But, I ignored all those feelings and let her take control.

For a whole 48 seconds, I was okay with holding Santana's hand. Just like on the ice, her warmth radiated against my palm making it seem as if the weather had no effect on me, on us. I glanced to my left and smiled down at her like I was saying that I would try to do this.

And for a whole 48 seconds, that worked.

She smiled back in return, her cheeks bunching and her eyes getting all squinty, as she laughed at something she said, something I missed but still laughed at anyway because she was laughing and if San was laughing it had to be funny. We giggled like no one was around, sending each other wide grins, as we scurried towards the door, huddling into each other to shield our bodies from the chill. It was scary how normal it all felt, but even scarier than that was that, for a brief moment, I thought I could get used to it.

Not with Santana though because she's my best friend and even if holding hands with her could be my most favorite thing in the world now, you're not supposed to feel that way about your best friend.

I tried pushing that thought from my head as we held hands, choosing to over think all that shit later rather than single handedly ruin the moment. In those 48 seconds, I let everything go and focused only on the feel of her hand in mine.

But not everything good can last and as soon as a group of girls exited the mall, walking towards us all crowded together, giggling like seeing San and I holding hands was tease-worthy, my happy little bubble burst and I was brought back to the real world.

Their eyes caught mine making it harder and harder to ignore their laughs as I tried building my walls back up in defense, because behind those I was untouchable. Or at least, that's what I tried making myself believe. The closer they got to us, the hotter San's hand seemed to feel. It was like holding onto an ember the way her hand burned through my glove, her clasping tight like we were still in the happy bubble and my brain begging me to let go. My chest tightened as the taller girl let out another high pitched squeal as her shoulder bumped carelessly into her friend's and I knew it was only a matter of time before I just had to drop San's hand.

They knew, each and every one of them knew, they had to. I could feel it in their stares and laughs. There was no hiding because it was evident what was going on.

My fingers started to squirm in her grip as I tried to wiggle out of the hold causing San to turn to me with her brow quirked and confusion in her eyes, "Hold my hand, Britt.." Her voice was soft, almost like a whisper, as she lowered her head a little trying to find my eyes when I refused to look at her. The girls were walking closer and that was all I could focus on; that and San still holding tightly to my hand.

I wiggled my hand a little more, almost breaking free of her grasp, "I have to check my-"

"No you don't, hold my hand." She giggled and wrapped both her hands around mine, tugging it to her chest. My eyes darted back and forth from the group of girls walking closer to San's eyes narrowing playfully on me, I wanted to explode. Each step closer they took, the more I tried wriggling free from San's grasp.

"Damnit, San," I grumbled though I was still smiling hoping that San wouldn't think I didn't like holding her hand. To her, it was all still a playful thing, she's used to me trying to pull away but ultimately failing. It was another game for her to play and Santana loves playing games.

There was no longer a large gap between us and the girls and there was no way San was letting go; I had to somehow compromise.

I continued to hold San's hand as the girls passed us, one by one, but instead of staring back, catching every single one of their expressions, I turned my head to the opposite direction. In that moment, if I could, I probably would've chewed off my own arm in order to get away. My cheeks burned as San continued to chatter next to me lively as ever, completely oblivious to everything around us.

Sometimes I envied that about her, how she could ignore it all and live in that perfect little bubble of hers and nothing would ever pop it.

As the last of them past and we neared the glass doors, San dropped her hold on my hand and looked over her shoulder.

"That brunette was totally checking you out, Britt!" She teased as I went to open the door.

"She was not.." I scoffed as San walked in first. I wanted to sneak a peek behind us, but I doubt they're still there. San just shrugged casually and led the way to the food court where we'd order hot chocolates and spent the next half an hour talking about how sore our feet already felt.

I watched as her excitement diminished as she sipped away at her hot chocolate, probably something to do with the little sniffles she tried hiding throughout the night. Despite being pumped about spending my birthday with me, San had been trying to kick this cold for the past couple of days, and by the looks of it, she's been unsuccessful. She was always going at 100% so she never really had the time to relax and get better. I eyed her carefully as she slowly inhaled, how her eye lids drooped a little as she wiggled her nose at each sniffle, and felt slightly guilty for being the reason why she wasn't home resting.

"Did you take any medicine today?" I asked, watching her stifle a cough. She shook her head. "San..why not? You'll never get better."

"I don't have any," She shrugged and went to sip her drink again.

"But..your dad's a doctor?"

"So? Doesn't mean he'll bring me medicine, I gotta fend for myself at my house." I knew San didn't really have the best relationship with her dad, but I didn't think it was _that _bad. They were probably just having a bad week, I guess. I thought about asking if Sam ever brought her some, but decided against it. She hadn't mentioned him all night so why should I?

"Well..I have some at my house!" I answered happily, "I'll give you some when we go home."

Ironically, at the mention of home, my phone buzzed in my lap. Looking down, I saw a new text and swiped open the screen.

_Mamadukes__: Dinner with Gramps at 6 _

Totally forgetting about my birthday tradition of always going out with my mom and my grandpa for dinner, I snapped my head up to Santana.

"What?" She mumbled, whipped cream coating the tip of her nose as her tongue poked out and ran along her bottom lip.

For a second, I completely forgot what I was going to say but realizing that starring at my best friend's lips like that was not allowed, I remembered.

"Uhh, family dinner..it's in an hour." I sputtered, still a little distracted by how she was licking the tips of her fingers from dipping them in the whipped cream. "Did you want to come with?"

"Uhm, am I allowed to?" She asked through a sniffle, "It's family dinner..I don't want to intrude or anything."

"Intrude? No way, I'm the birthday girl; I can get whatever I want!" I grinned, "Plus, it'll totally be better if you're there. I never have anyone to talk to, mom and Gramps get to talking about boring stuff and I want to fall asleep."

San chuckled at that before settling back in her seat with her arms crossed over her chest, "Well..I guess I could go."

"Yay!" I cheered and typed out a quick text to my mom saying Santana was going and we could carpool. "Well, let's go! Mustn't be late for supper."

"Supper?"

"Gramps calls it supper..he's old." I shrugged causing San to laugh once more. We tossed our empty cups and made our way towards the parking garage.

Despite making it on the interstate during rush hour, we made it back to my house in a decent amount of time. Santana greeted my mom as if she were her own, she's weirdly comfortable around my family, and after I gave her some medicine, we piled into my mom's truck. San sat in the backseat but kept her elbows placed on the middle console, talking adamantly about ice skating with me and how my birthday has been going so far. I sat quietly; watching, not at all bothered by the fact that San was bonding more with my mom than I was, even if her voice was starting to get all scratchy from not wanting to cough.

"Britt was a pro though, she didn't even fall." San praised as she sent me a gleaming smile causing my cheeks to flush. I was never good at accepting compliments, that's why I blushed, not because there was so much adoration in San's tone and definitely not because of the way she brushed her fingers along my arm as she spoke. My mom just chuckled at that as she tapped her fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of the music pouring from the speakers.

Arriving at some burger joint my Gramps loves, the three of us headed towards the entrance. Well, San and I sort of awkwardly ran together while my mom trailed slowly behind.

"Hey! There's the birthday girl," My gramps called happily as we entered the lobby. I smiled back, nodding, before waving back.

"This is my friend Santana," I gestured towards San as she opened her arms up and tried hugging him. I could tell the move took him by complete surprise because, like I said, we're not a family of huggers.

"Yes, I remember." He grinned and did this little pat move on her head as she slowly let go. "Come, let's eat! Eve is already seated."

I rolled my eyes at the mention of my _step _granma, because of course she would be sitting already, the world revolves around her, who has time to wait with everyone else like a normal person?

"Quit it," San teased, poking my arm with her elbow as the three of us followed after my Gramps towards the table. I went to protest, but I knew by the look in San's eyes that it was no use. San knew all the drama behind the _Step Monster's_ evil wrath.

"Okay, fine.." I grumbled and plastered on the fakest smile I could as we approached. We exchanged greetings as we slid into the booth, I opting to dodge the hug Eve tried giving me, while San was as friendly as ever. The table settled into a comfortable silence as the waiter came over with four menus for us to look over. After they were given out, I noticed that he had forgotten on for San.

Lifting my hand to wave him back over for another menu, I was stopped by tan fingers wrapping around my wrist.

"I'll just share with you," She whispered and wiggled even closer to me than she already was. The lack of space between our bodies had my stomach doing all sorts of flips and flops. She then propped up her head on her hand, the dim light hitting her cheekbones perfectly, almost making it impossible to look at anything but her.

I was thankful that my back was towards my family as I stared at her, because I'm sure if one look could tell my deepest secrets, _that _was it.

I was also thankful that San had missed that whole exchange as her eyes focused on the menu between us.

"I'm not really hungry, Brittz, maybe we can share?" She offered as she ran her finger along the listings.

"Yeah, sure." I answered, her voice breaking the trance her looks had on me, "Whatever you want."

"Whatever I want, huh?" She smirked, her eyes never leaving the menu. I chose to ignore the cockiness in her tone as I joined her in overlooking the items.

As time passed, it felt almost like San and I were in our own little happy bubble again. The conversation going between my mom and Gramps seemed so far away though I was sitting right next to her. All I could focus on, or rather, try _not _to focus on, was the way San's lips moved. At some point she started talking about school or Sam, I'm not sure, but when she got going, I was entranced.

It wasn't until she stopped talking and looked up at me, grinning mischievously, that I stopped my weird leering. For a moment, I thought I had been caught in the act and I could already feel the heat spreading to the tips of my ears and the apples of my cheeks.

"I'm _so_ excited about your present," She whispered, "Like I want to give it to you now, but I can't. Well I _can_, but..it's complicated."

"I can wait.." I shrugged innocently, but that didn't seem to be the answer San was looking for.

"Fuck it, I'll just give it to you now." She grinned excitedly and started shuffling around to face me. She pulled her knee up so that it was pressed into my thigh while she let the tip of her boot nudge my ankle under the table. I wasn't sure if she knew she was touching me if she thought it was just the baseboard of the booth, but she kept doing it. I lifted my gaze to meet hers; the lights were dim enough that I couldn't really see that twinkle in her eyes, I just knew it was there.

"Well?" I asked nervously when I realized she still hadn't said anything. She continued to smile mischievously as she started to bounce a little with her own excitement. "Saaan..come on," I whined through my toothy grin.

"Okay, okay," She giggled, "Well..I was talking to my dad, right? I know, never happens, anyway..we were talking and he asked me why he saw you walking on his way home from work once. I told him it was because your car broke and you had no other way to work and you don't have enough money to buy a new one." San was talking so fast and her eyes were darting all over the place like she was either extremely nervous or extremely excited, I couldn't decide. "Then he asked me how you were getting to school and I told him you stopped going.."

"Oh God, San, did you really?" I gasped, wide eyed. I felt a pang of guilt somewhere deep down in me, guilt from not being able to the one thing expected of me. I could just imagine the disappointment in his face and it hurt knowing that I caused that, it hurt all the same even if I wasn't his kid. San and I have been friends long enough to be considered family anyway.

"Yeah, but don't worry..he didn't care." She shrugged, "He was actually really worried about you, like, walking home in the dark and what if you got hit by a car kind of worried. You know, I'm actually a little jealous, he doesn't worry like that about me!" She teased and poked at my arm.

"Get back to the story," I giggled.

"Well yeah, so anyway..I remembered what you said about making payments on a new car." She replied, her voice getting smaller and smaller as she spoke, "So, my dad and I made an agreement."

"Uhm..okay?" I drawled out, completely confused as to what was happening.

She ducked her head as she started to nervously play with the zipper of her jacket, "Mydadsortaboughtyouacar."

I felt my jaw drop a little as I tried to decipher her quick words, but I didn't believe what I thought I heard. San's gaze met mine again as she smiled timidly.

"What?" I deadpanned.

"My. Dad. Bought. You. A. Car." She replied, announcing each word slowly, her smile getting bigger and bigger as my eyes grew even wider. "The downside is he has the keys so I can't really give it to you tonight, but it's yours."

"Holy shit, not-uh.." I gasped quietly but San just laughed and nodded her head, "Santana! Don't lie!"

"Brittany, shh.." My mom warned and nudged my back, "What are you doing, San?"

"Giving Britt her present." She replied innocently, working her charm as she looked past me to the rest of my family.

"Oh, what'd she give you?" My mom questioned as I slowly turned to face them. San nuzzled herself into my side as she encouraged me to answer.

"She-she gave me a car.." I stammered still recovering from the shock of it all. I watched as my Gramps' bushy white brows raised to his balding hairline while my mom and the Step Monster both looked equally as surprised. I turned to San again and couldn't help but smile adoringly up at her.

"Well, my _dad _did.." San corrected with a triumphant grin, "He said it was getting colder out and Britt shouldn't walk in that." I stayed quiet as San explained the whole story.

After she finished, she leaned back to her side of the booth, for the past 10 minutes she had been practically in my lap as she told the story, she sent me another smirk.

"What?"

"You should've seen your face, it was priceless.."

"Well, yeah..my best friend just gave me a car for my birthday like wow. Best. Present. Ever." I giggled, not even bothered by the fact that Eve was burning holes in the side of my face with her pensive stare. She had been staring at us like that practically the whole time and it took everything in me not to jump over the table. She had that stare that made your skin crawl and I couldn't place my finger on what the reason was: that I'm gay? That my best friend is extra close to me? That Santana is the best thing ever? It didn't matter; I wouldn't let her effect me like those girls did earlier.

"Right? I should get a kiss for that," She teased and turned her cheek to me and tapped it with her index finger.

For a second, I actually thought about going through with it. I bet it would've felt amazing, San's skin on my lips.

I didn't though, too many confusing feelings swarming my head, so instead I just said what I thought San would if the roles were reversed.

"Oh, I'd do way more than kiss you for this," I muttered before realizing how that sounded. I nearly choked on my spit trying to come up with an explanation for that one, "I-I mean, like marry you because, damn, that's wifey material right there." I joked earning a few giggles from San.

"True, true," She answered smugly then went to buff her nails on her shirt.

Dinner drew to a close shortly after San's grand gesture and, after our awkward goodbyes, the three of us were heading home. By that time, the temperature had dropped significantly and being cold mixing with being sick wasn't a good combo for San.

"You alright back there?" My mom called as she peeked through her rearview mirror. I glanced back and saw San curled up in this blanket my mom always kept in the car, her hand going up the rub at her nose.

"All good, mamadukes!" She croaked, turning her hand that was going at her nose into a thumbs up.

"Liar," I chuckled and cranked up the heat after shrugging off my sweater and tossing it to her so she could use it as a pillow.

Within 10 minutes we were home again and after parking, I took San inside so she could take home some more medicine since my mom and I rarely ever get sick.

"You going to be okay going home?" I heard my mom ask as I rifled through our medicine cabinet.

"Mhm, I'm just 5 minutes away. I'll be fine." San answered, her voice all raspy and strained. I sighed at her struggle, she's so damn stubborn. I grabbed a bottle of Nyquil and a hand full of cough drops before shrugging and grabbing the whole bag of them. San will pop the things like candy while she's in school anyway.

"Alright, drink this and these are for tomorrow." I advised as I approached the both of them with the bottle and cough drops in hand.

"Sweet, I'm just gunna go to the bathroom and I'll go home." San replied, setting them on the kitchen counter before scurrying off. I took the moment she was away to hide the bag of cough drops in her purse along with a Kit Kat bar that I had bought a few days ago and was saving for her. Just by how quick she dismissed the medicine, I knew she'd probably forget about one of them tomorrow but at least she'll have cough drops she didn't know about.

After San finished with the bathroom she started to gather her things; she would've forgotten the Nyquil if I hadn't pointed it out to her, totally called it. I walked with her to her car, despite the warmth of the house, she looked so sick and miserable and she was trying so hard not. The least I could do was walk her to her car, especially after the kind of day she gave me.

"Ugh, being sick sucks." San grumbled as she unlocked her doors and started chucking her things in the backseat.

"Well, you wouldn't _still _be sick if you'd just get some medicine in you." I chuckled at her little temper tantrum. She just scoffed and rolled her eyes as she spun around to look up at me. I was glad my back was towards the street lamp, my face hidden in the shadows as San continued to stare, because with the way she was looking at me mixed with the feelings she's giving, I positive I was blushing.

For what reason besides the cold? I have no idea.

When it comes to Santana I'm just a big ball of mush, putty, in her warm hands.

Hands that were in mind just a few hours ago.

"You have fun today?" She asked, breaking the staring contest.

"Of course," I nodded happily, my hands finding their ways into my pockets, "It was the best!"

"Good," She replied as we settled into another comfortable silence.

"I don't think I said thanks, you know, or the car. I can't believe you guys did that.." I rambled, "That's really cool, thank you." I could tell we were treading that thin line between saying too much and not saying enough, so I stopped there.

"You're welcome." She smiled bashfully as she looked back at her car, "Well..some of us have school in the morning so.." Getting the message, I silently took a step back so she could close her door, but she pulled at my sweater and brought me closer. "I know you don't like hugs, but it's your birthday," she mumbled as I felt her hands slide around my waist. I jerked at the sudden movement of being pulled to her like that, so my hands were out of my pockets for balance, but as I saw what she was doing I sorta wished they were still restrained.

But her closeness, the smell of her hair carrying through the chilly breeze, her warmth pressing into me, it was enough to kick my walls down, at least for just a moment.

Like earlier on the ice, I gave in. I let myself enjoy those fuzzy feelings she gave me, feelings that somehow _she _only gave me, and it felt nice for a change. I chanced a glance towards my front door hoping that my mom wasn't staring at us or something, but then again, I'm just hugging my best friend. There's nothing weird about that, right? There's nothing wrong about _liking _how close she was, right?

I let my shoulders ease and allowed myself to return the hug. I flattened my hands against her shoulders and pressed her even closer while I buried my nose in her hair, loving that after all this time she still smelled the same. I wondered if she never changed her shampoo or if that was just Santana's signature scent.

As I felt her arms loosen around me, I did the same and slide away.

"Well, happy birthday again Brittz." She whispered before ducking in her car and closing the door behind her. I smiled as I lifted my hand for a wave, my body still buzzing again from the feel of her. She waved back before driving off.

I don't know how long I stood outside watching after her, it was long after her brake lights had disappeared, but I couldn't bring myself to move. Good things lasting a long time isn't really a common thing in my life, it never has been, and as I watched her leave, I knew this was one of those good things ending. I knew I shouldn't think like that considering everything that's happened today, but it's inevitable, something bad is bound to happen that's just how my life is.

But later, as I rest my head against my pillows and the comforter tucked under my chin, I thought back on my day. I remembered how San's eyes lit up when I first approached her car after Mike dropped me off, the anticipation in her voice as we drove to the skating rink, all her snarky insults she yelled to passing cars, the way she licked her lips after singing all the words to a song on the radio, that little nose scrunch she does when she's cold, how concentrated she looked when she tried tying up her laces, the way she flailed her arms out for me when we got too far away from the dividing wall, how cute she looked when she almost busted her ass, the way her cheeks get all red when she's super cold and I'm making her laugh, how proud she sounded when she told my mom of my awesome ice skating skills, the way she attempted making friends with the Step Monster, and how helplessly adorable she looked all cuddled up with my sweater in the backseat of my mom's car.

It was then that I realized that maybe I already had the worst thing ever happen. It was just a matter of time before I actually noticed it.

And maybe a little piece of me _did_ notice it, but rather than accept it, chose to ignore it.

Because, really? What's worse than falling, pathetically at that, hitting every tree branch, jagged rock, and bee hive on the way down, in love with their best friend?

* * *

A/N I didn't really intend on this chapter being so long, nor did I intend on Brittany 'fessing up'..it just felt right. Fair warning, this is a SLOW burner..like super slow. Just be prepared. Anyway, if you have any questions or what not..ask away on here or tumblr. I always love seeing what you've got to say. Thanks for reading!


End file.
